Why Relationships Matter

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Context behind "gone feelings" may involve erosion, burnout, an affair, or a personal life crisis.

Love evolves through lust, attraction, and attachment, which can operate independently or overlap.

Motivation can be clarified by asking if you want to want your partner.

Many couples start out feeling deeply connected, but over time, especially after childcare or career demands, the connection fades as the relationship receives little attention.

This often reflects what Family Systems Theory calls emotional fusion, described by Murray Bowen and later expanded by David Schnarch. Bowen defined “emotional fusion” as a state of being stuck in togetherness. The idea behind it is that one or both partners suppress parts of themselves for the sake of peace.

However, eventually, a crisis hits, as one partner typically starts to feel invisible, controlled, or chronically dissatisfied, and leaving the relationship can feel like the only way to breathe again.

Another context for “gone feelings” in a marriage may arise when intense emotions are redirected into an affair, which can happen in a previously burned-out relationship or even in a reasonably satisfying one.

The affair often creates a sense of romantic intensity that makes the marriage seem dull in comparison.

A Personal Life Crisis Projected Onto the Marriage

The next context involves a personal turning point, such as a serious illness, a death, a job loss, children leaving home, or simply the panic of midlife.

In these moments, a marriage may become the manifestation of a life that feels stuck. There may be no dramatic betrayal or chronic conflict, but a sense that something inside has gone numb.

The loss of vitality may be interpreted as a loss of love, and divorce can appear to offer renewed meaning. Thus, in this context of the gone feelings, confronting the life crisis versus discarding the partner should be considered.

How Love Evolves Through Distinct Biological Systems

According to Helen Fisher in Anatomy of Love, romantic relationships move through biologically distinct but interacting systems.

The first system is lust, with its straightforward purpose to motivate sexual union. Lust is driven primarily by the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen to generate physical desire. Importantly, this stage does not narrow attention to one person but encourages individuals to seek out potential mates.

The second system is attraction, typically experienced as romantic love. If lust is about general desire, attraction is about focus, as it directs mating energy toward one specific person. The beloved seems unique and irreplaceable. Neurochemically, the attraction system is associated with dopamine and norepinephrine, along with reduced serotonin, which makes it feel psychologically intense and consuming. Neurologically, attraction resembles an addictive process, as the brain’s reward system becomes highly activated and nearly hijacked.

Finally, there is attachment, with its core function of sustaining long-term relationships, particularly for child-rearing. This system is primarily linked to the neurotransmitters oxytocin and vasopressin, and psychologically, it feels calmer and more stable than attraction. Attachment stabilizes relationships after the intensity of attraction naturally declines. Cultural context, personality, stress, opportunity, and life circumstances all influence how long each stage lasts and whether the relationship endures.

Why Relationships Matter

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A critical insight in this framework is that these three systems can operate independently, can overlap, and can even appear in different sequences. For instance, a person can feel deep attachment without strong attraction, romantic attraction can emerge outside an existing attachment bond, or lust can be directed toward someone other than a romantic partner.

This biological independence may explain infidelity, divorce, romantic obsession, and other relationship phenomena.

Relationship Development Phases

Similar to personality development stages elaborated by Erik Erikson, a relationship also develops through stages, each with its own challenges:

Symbiosis is the early merging stage when individual differences are minimized, and the bond feels magical.

Differentiation is the stage when differences become visible, and disillusionment sets in. This phase is critical, as it requires accepting individual differences and overcoming disillusionment to transition to the next stage.

During the exploration stage, partners regain individuality, and emotional distance may still feel strong.

The next stage is reconnection, followed ultimately by the synergy stage, when the relationship becomes a source of shared purpose.

These stages are not linear, and couples may move back and forth, with stress pushing them into earlier patterns. What many interpret as “falling out of love” may actually be the normal shift from romantic fusion into differentiation and mature interdependence.

While the early spark is powerful, mature love is steadier, quieter, and it requires self-awareness and relationship skills, which we work on developing in couples therapy.

Feelings Won’t Come on Command but May Follow Behavior

“I can’t just make myself feel something I don’t feel.”

At the same time, research shows that actions often inform emotions. Behavioral activation, a technique for depression, is a deliberate plan to engage in activities, especially those that were previously rewarding, even when one is profoundly discouraged from doing so. That generates functional routines followed by mood shifts.

The same principle may apply to relationships, and feelings may follow the behavior.

That said, simply telling someone to “try harder” rarely works. If the deeper issues of identity, boundaries, resentment, or grief are unaddressed, behavioral efforts feel hollow; thus, action works best when paired with insight.

“My heart isn’t in it. I don’t desire my spouse, and I don’t feel romantic love.”

As suggested by Doherty and Harris, at that point, a couples therapist may ask a question that bypasses the current emotional state and gets to motivation: Do you want to want your partner?

If a magic wand could restore desire and affection, would you accept that gift?

Brown, J., & Errington, L. (2024). Bowen family systems theory and practice: Illustration and critique revisited. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Family Therapy, 45(2), 135-155. https://doi.org/10.1002/anzf.1589

Fisher, H. E. (2016). Anatomy of Love: The Natural History of Monogamy, Adultery, and Divorce (2nd ed.). W. W. Norton & Company

Doherty, W. J., & Harris, S. M. (2017). ​ When the feelings are gone. Helping couples on the brink of divorce: Discernment counseling for troubled relationships. ​ American Psychological Association. ​ https://doi.org/10.1037/0000029-011 ​

Mahler, M., Pine, F., & Bergman, A. ​ (1975). ​ The psychological birth of the human infant. ​ New York: Basic Books, Inc. ​

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