Why Relationships Matter

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Within my private practice, I noticed a pattern. In the last 48 hours, I spoke to three different individuals desiring romantic relationships. They have done everything they could think of to position themselves for love to find them, from dating apps, to blind dates, to keeping their eyes open in grocery stores — but to no avail (yet).

These conversations led to discussions about slow-burn relationships start. These are relationships that usually start in platonic friendships. Their nature is not to come in hot, lusty fireworks of passion. These are relationships that start quietly and they feel ordinary. They don't feel romantic. They don't feel lusty. They don't feel like they're urgent, but they're deeply appreciated. These are relationships that are friendships with people who are just good people. Their character speaks in their actions, and they love you without expectation in return. They show up for you without you asking. They pay attention to detail, and they have a strength for anticipating your needs. These are people who truly see you — they pay attention to every detail about you. They truly hear you. They truly care. They store this information in their memories and in their hearts and apply it to how they interact with and show up for you.

When I talked to three different people about this kind of relationship dynamic, naturally, initially they only viewed that person as a friend, even when physical attraction was there. When they shared their curiosity about whether I believed platonic friendships could successfully bloom into strong chemistry, I shared with them something that a senior therapist told me almost a decade ago. She said: The healthiest, strongest foundation and indication of relationship viability is not primarily chemistry, physical attraction, and lust. It is character and compatibility. She was not denying the importance of chemistry and physical attraction. She was re-assigning its weight in calculating romantic partner decision-making. And when she told me that, I was very young, I was in my early twenties, and I heard her, but I didn't fully understand it. Now, when I look back over my life and all the people I have served, I realize that she was right.

It is those relationships that start as slow and romantically unassuming that are often the most genuine and long-lasting. They are like “chicken soup for your soul”— they make you feel warm, held, comforted. There is no pressure, no performance, no strategy, no over-thinking, no nervousness. Only genuine human connection. These people are the ones who love you the way that you deserve to be loved, without having to chase it, to beg for it, to try to mold it and shape it into the vision of a relationship that you deserve. And a lot of times, those kinds of people, who come into our lives, they come in quietly, they're not looking for winning a romantic prize with you. They have no ulterior motives; they're just there because they love you and they genuinely care about you, and they're good people. Unfortunately, a lot of times, those connections get friend-zoned because there's no lusty chemistry, hot fire, passion of urgency that is driving the connection. Our initial emotional and physical experience with them does not match the pre-conceived fantasy that we and society have sold to ourselves when it comes to how we will or should feel when we meet our person.

I encouraged the three people who presented these scenarios to me to consider this perspective as food for thought: that a steady warmth is often more healthy, and a more viable predictor of a lasting romantic relationship, than a scorching fire that will extinguish quickly. Even though our brains may be accustomed to extremes of dopamine, which is what lust and chemistry create, it does not accurately measure relationship longevity. For many who experience inconsistent romantic dopamine bursts/extremes, they develop a longing for romantic highs. One may think, “Well, in toxic relationships, I've experienced this extreme dopamine hit, and it was perfect. The only issue is it was inconsistent, but if the relationship was healthy, I would experience this extreme euphoria of love all the time, right?” Wrong. That is not true. That is a preconceived idea made up by our imagination and the imagination of society of what a healthy, long-lasting relationship is and will feel like. A healthy, long-lasting relationship does include romantic highs but is more often a consistent, steady warmth. It may not always feel exciting. It may not take you by surprise with extravagant displays of affection. It may not sweep you off your feet in every moment shared. But it is steady, it is reliable. It's consistent, it's always there, it's sure, it's not fickle.

At the age that I am today, that's what I want. And I hope that the people who I spoke with and all who may read this post consider what I have said: that those people in their lives with a steady warm presence — the steady warm, humble connections in their lives — that that person is maybe the one they've been looking for all their lives.

Why Relationships Matter

Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?

Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

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