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Punishment is sometimes necessary when children hurt others or engage in dangerous behaviors.

Consequences and reasoning can be used when children misbehave in more minor ways.

Collaborative consequence setting is useful with older children and teens.

It is important for parents to learn when to use each kind of intervention.

A colleague wrote to me about one of my most recent blog posts. In the post, I talked about the need for punishment and/or consequences when children or teens break a rule or behave in a way that the parents have told them not to. My colleague objected to my suggestion that punishment may be an option. He said, “I prefer consequences. Punishment for me evokes power.”

His email made me stop and think. Do I really approve of punishment? Is there a place for punishment in raising children? And if so, am I condoning parents using their position in the family to exert power over their children?

As I thought about this, I realized that I think there is a place for a whole range of consequences when children misbehave.

What happens when a child misbehaves

When a child or teen does something they have been asked not to do, the consequence for this can be relatively mild. For example, a child who fools around over and over again just before bed may be given the consequence of having one less book read to them that night. Parents will find that even such minor consequences can elicit a big reaction in small children. They may cry and carry on for quite a while when given such a consequence. But if a parent can hold firm and avoid the temptation to give in, they will soon find that the child takes their instructions to stop fooling around before bed more seriously.

With more important infractions—for example, if a child hurts another........

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