The Fundamentals of Sex

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Libido disparities can be caused by many things: hormones, stress, relationship dynamics, life stage — all of that matters. But over and over again, I see something else underlying low desire, something quieter, more revealing, and often missed. The low-desire partner isn’t always lacking libido; they’re often lacking presence.

This is the person with a very busy mind. A mind that doesn’t easily land. A mind that is scanning, organizing, anticipating, managing. And somewhere inside that mental activity is a subtle question: “Do I really have the bandwidth to show up right now?”

Because sex, real sex with another human being, asks something of us. It asks us to arrive. Not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, erotically. And that takes effort.

So you say you’re tired, or stressed, or “just not in the mood.” And over time, a quiet story takes hold: Maybe I have low........

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