"Why" questions fuel rumination.

Insight doesn't require acceptance.

Choice restores agency.

Have you ever spent hours trying to figure out why someone did something that hurt you? Whether it's a family member, partner, or co-worker, it's easy to spiral around endless “why” questions.

“Why would they say that?”

“Why would they do that?”

“Why didn't they respond to me?”

"Why are they being so annoying?"

When someone hurts us, our brains want an explanation. We assume that if we can understand the reason behind someone's behavior, we'll feel better about what happened. As a psychotherapist, I've spent my whole career trying to understand why people do what they do. Understanding behavior can be useful. But there's a point when asking "why" stops producing insight and starts producing a downward spiral of rumination.

Rumination is a pattern of repetitive thinking about distressing experiences and their possible causes and consequences. Research by Nolen-Hoeksema and colleagues (2008) found that rumination can intensify negative emotions, interfere with problem-solving, and contribute to depression and anxiety. You might spend three hours analyzing someone's childhood, attachment style, personality, and possible motivations. You might even arrive at a compelling explanation.

Understanding why someone did........

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