The Fundamentals of Sex

Take our Sexual Satisfaction Test

Find a sex therapist near me

Great sex depends more on communication than on technique or frequency.

Most partners are guessing and only accurately identify a fraction of what their partner enjoys or dislikes.

Sexual communication is linked to relationship satisfaction and overall life satisfaction across cultures.

If your partner had to list three things you don’t enjoy in bed, would they get them right? The odds are against it. Research shows that partners correctly identify only about 62 percent of what pleases their partner and just 26 percent of what doesn’t.3

Even in long-term relationships, most couples are navigating intimacy with major blind spots. Right now, the person you sleep next to is likely working with only a fraction of the information they would need to avoid doing something you dislike—and you’re doing the same to them.

Most couples try to close that gap the wrong way. They increase frequency, try to experiment with new positions, or plan romantic getaways, but they rarely just ask: What would make this better for you?

A meta-analysis analyzing nearly 40,000 individuals across 93 studies found that sexual communication is one of the strongest predictors of both relationship and sexual satisfaction. In fact, it’s stronger than frequency, novelty, or a technique.

But it’s not just whether couples talk about sex. It’s how they talk about it that makes the difference.3

What “Quality” Actually Means

When couples hear “talk about sex,” they often imagine awkward, overly clinical conversations. In reality, quality sexual communication includes openness, emotional safety, positive tone, and genuine satisfaction with the discussion itself. It means being able to say what works and what doesn’t without defensiveness or shame.

Interestingly, many couples who struggle here communicate effectively about finances, parenting, logistics, even conflict. But when it comes to sex, they revert to mind-reading. They assume their partner should “just know.” And when their partner doesn’t, they interpret it as a lack of caring rather than a lack of information.

The problem is that most of us were taught, implicitly or explicitly, that good sex should be spontaneous, intuitive, and effortless. That if you have to talk about it, something’s already broken. But sexual preferences differ between partners, they change over time, bodies change, and desires shift. Without communication, you’re both guessing—and hoping you guess right.

A 2024 daily diary study found that couples with higher-quality sexual communication reported more stable and consistent satisfaction.1 Their communication predicted less variability in their sexual experiences. When couples can talk openly about sex, their intimate life becomes more stable and reliably satisfying, not just occasionally intense.

The benefits extend far beyond the bedroom. Research across six European countries with over 7,000 respondents found that sexual communication quality was associated with sexual and relationship satisfaction, and more importantly, with overall life satisfaction.4 These findings are not limited to heterosexual couples. A separate study of same-sex male couples found that both the presence and quality of sexual communication positively predicted relationship satisfaction, emotional intimacy, and daily positive affect.2 Simply put, the ability to talk about sex improves the entire relationship system.

The Fundamentals of Sex

Take our Sexual Satisfaction Test

Find a sex therapist near me

How Do You Actually Talk About It?

1. Start with what’s working.

Most people default to bringing up problems. But research on positive affect in sexual communication suggests that leading with what feels good creates safety for harder conversations later. “I loved when you did that last night”.

2. Name the gap without blame.

“That didn’t quite work for me. Can we adjust?” is radically different from “You never do what I like.” The first is information; the second is an indictment. Same topic, but entirely different outcome.

3. Talk about sex outside the bedroom.

When these conversations only happen during or immediately after sex, they carry too much emotional charge. Bringing them up at lower-stakes moments (on a walk, over coffee, during a drive) makes honesty easier for both partners.

4. Respond to vulnerability with curiosity.

When one partner shares something vulnerable—such as a desire, a discomfort, or a boundary—the other partner’s response determines whether that honesty will happen again. Meeting disclosure with “Tell me more about that” instead of “Why would you want that?” can change the tone and the outcome.

5. Replace assumptions with questions.

After years together, most couples stop asking because they believe they already know or “should know.” Asking “What makes you feel most desired?” or “Is there anything you’ve been wanting to try?” signals that a partner’s evolving experience matters, not just the version from five years ago.

The strongest predictor of sexual satisfaction is the ability to talk openly about what’s working and what isn’t. It means creating a relationship where vulnerability is met with curiosity, where honesty doesn’t lead to defensiveness, and where both partners can say what they need without fear. Because the best sex isn’t the most adventurous, the most frequent, or even the most passionate. It’s the sex you can talk about honestly during, after, and long before it happens.

1. Bibby, E. S., & Davila, J. (2024). A dyadic assessment of the association between sexual communication and daily sexual satisfaction. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 41(4), 1015-1035. https://doi.org/10.1177/02654075231220041

2. Chen, T., Dai, M., Calabrese, C., & Merrill, K., Jr. (2024). Dyadic and longitudinal influences of sexual communication on relationship satisfaction, emotional intimacy, and daily affect among same-sex male couples. Health Communication, 40(7), 1352-1362. https://doi.org/10.1080/10410236.2024.2400813

3. Mallory, A. B. (2022). Dimensions of couples' sexual communication, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 36(3), 358–371. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000946

4. Øverup, C., Hald, G., & Pavan, S. (2024). Sociodemographic predictors of sexual communication and sexual communication as a predictor of sexual, relationship, and life satisfaction in Denmark, Finland, France, Norway, Sweden, and the UK. Sexuality & Culture, 28(6), 2668-2697. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12119-024-10249-5

© Psychology Today