The Fundamentals of Sex

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Making love is typically more enduring, profound, and emotionally intimate than just having sex.

When sex involved love, people keep thinking about their partner for a long time.

Sexual afterglow may be less intense than orgasm but plays a larger role in long-term satisfaction.

Patience is not passive waiting but active engagement despite delay or difficulty.

“Patience is not simply the ability to wait—it's how we behave while we're waiting.”—author Joyce Meyer

“Last night I had sex with my husband, but he did not actually touch me—he just penetrated me. I was so sad I could cry.”—Married woman

The expressions making love and having sex are often used interchangeably. However, although making love typically involves sex, not every sexual encounter can be described as making love. Compared with merely having sex, making love is usually longer, more patient, enduring, profound, and more emotionally intimate. The differences between the two can be grouped into three broad categories:

Profound romantic activities

Below, I briefly discuss these categories while examining in greater detail the roles of patience and sexual afterglow in distinguishing between making love and just having sex.

1. Temporal Richness: Patience and Impatience

“Patience is not sitting and waiting; it is foreseeing. It is looking at the thorn and seeing the rose, looking at the night and seeing the day. Lovers are patient and know that the moon needs time to become full.”—Rumi

“It’s now or never, be mine tonight, tomorrow will be too late.”—Elvis Presley

A central difference between making love and merely having sex concerns their temporal structure, which is clearly reflected in the issue of romantic patience. A patient heart, which values time in both the present and the future, is essential in making love. An impatient heart, which focuses mainly on the immediate moment, is more characteristic of just having sex.

Making love involves a balance between patience and impatience, whereas casual sex often relies primarily on impatience.

The additional time involved in making love is expressed in richer and longer interactions before, during, and after sex. There is typically no rush in affectionate actions; they are often performed slowly and tenderly. Moreover, the impact of making love extends beyond the time partners spend together. In one survey, 69 percent of participants reported that when sex involved love rather than mere lust, they continued thinking about their partner and fantasizing about being together. Such lingering intimacy reflects the broader atmosphere characteristic of making love rather than just having sex.

Patience should not be understood as passive waiting. Rather, it is typically active and dynamic: we continue doing something despite difficulties or delays. Patience may involve postponement—allowing something to occur later than expected—but the delay is purposeful and helps nurture the appropriate circumstances. This kind of delay differs from procrastination, which is the unnecessary postponement of tasks one intends to complete. Indeed, research suggests that increased liking for someone is associated with greater patience, partly because individuals perceive the larger future reward as worth waiting for (Roberts and colleagues, 2021).

2. Emotional Closeness

“For me, sex is a purely physical pleasure. Making love is also sex, but it’s not just physical pleasure—there’s an emotional connection. I’m very concerned about how you’re feeling.”—Woman

The additional time involved in making love often enhances emotional closeness between partners. This closeness is expressed through shared and mutually attentive activities that generate stronger resonance and responsiveness between partners. Making love typically involves greater emotional intimacy, less emphasis on explicit “dirty talk,” and a stronger sense of comfort and freedom.

In this context, giving often becomes more important than receiving. Partners who are making love engage in a more other-regarding sexual interaction. Research supports this idea: Shared activities that are satisfying, low in stress, and conducive to intimacy predict higher relationship quality both immediately and over time (Girme and colleagues, 2014).

The Fundamentals of Sex

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3. Profound Romantic Activities

“We cannot be happy if we expect to live all the time at the highest peak of intensity. Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance and order and rhythm and harmony.”—Thomas Merton

The additional time involved in making love enables partners to cultivate greater romantic depth. In the romantic realm, it is useful to distinguish between romantic intensity and romantic profundity:

• Romantic intensity refers to a momentary peak of desire—a snapshot of passion• Romantic profundity, by contrast, reflects a broader and more enduring romantic orientation

External novelty often plays a major role in generating romantic intensity. In contrast, romantic profundity relies heavily on familiarity, stability, and gradual development. Romantic depth is expressed throughout all stages of making love—foreplay, intercourse, and afterglow. It appears in behaviors such as eye contact, kissing, holding each other, gentle touching, conversation, learning about each other, helping one another, and bringing out the best in each other.

The Importance of Sexual Afterglow

“My married lover was cut off emotionally the moment he ejaculated. The speed with which he left me emotionally and physically was incredible. He actually left the bed to get a drink and did not return.”—A divorcee

The differences between making love and just having sex can be observed before, during, and after orgasm. However, sexual afterglow—the lingering feeling of satisfaction following sex—is particularly significant because it occurs after the sexual climax has already taken place. Most people experience, on average, about a whole day of afterglow, though some experience up to two days, while others experience little or none.

Afterglow is not merely a means of achieving sexual satisfaction; rather, it reflects the deeper romantic attitude between partners. Research suggests that afterglow, even more than orgasm itself, can influence how people feel about their partner. Although sexual afterglow is less intense than orgasm, it may play a greater role in long-term romantic satisfaction (Ben-Ze’ev, 2019; Breedin and colleagues, 2025).

Spouses who report stronger afterglow experiences also report higher levels of marital satisfaction, both initially and over time. Sexual afterglow appears to function as a mechanism through which sex promotes pair bonding (Meltzer and colleagues, 2017). Thus, cuddling, touching, and remaining emotionally present afterward are important indicators of making love rather than merely having sex.

“Patience is the art of hoping.” —Luc de Clapiers

Casual sex is often brief and impatient, while primarily focused on reaching orgasm. Because of this urgency, there is often little time or motivation for reflection (Ben-Ze'ev, 2023). Making love, however, creates space for reflection—especially during afterglow, when the goal of orgasm has already been achieved. In these moments, partners may reflect on the present and future of their relationship and how their shared experiences help them bring out the best in one another. This does not mean that spontaneous or purely physical sex lacks value. The value of each type of sexual encounter depends on the circumstances, the nature of the relationship, and the emotional states of the partners.

As in many aspects of life, good things in love often come to those who can wait.

Ben-Ze’ev, A. (2019). The arc of love: How our romantic lives change over time. University of Chicago Press.

Ben-Ze’ev, A. (2023). “Is Casual Sex Good for You? Casualness, Seriousness and Wellbeing in Intimate Relationships.” Philosophies, 8, 25.

Breedin, O. W., et al. (2025). Sexual Afterglow. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 16, 843-854.

Girme, Y. U., Overall, N. C., & Faingataa, S. (2013). “Date nights” take two: The maintenance function of shared relationship activities. Personal Relationships, 21, 125-149.

Meltzer, A. L., et al. (2017). Quantifying the sexual afterglow: The lingering benefits of sex and their implications for pair-bonded relationships. Psychological Science, 28, 587-598.

Roberts, A. R., et al. (2021). Love is patient: People are more willing to wait for things they like. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 150, 1423–1437.

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