The Fundamentals of Sex

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Passionate kissing is most enjoyable in flourishing relationships.

There are three major types of intimacy—each with its own allure and concerns.

The need for profound intimacy may prevent passionate kissing in casual sex.

Kissing is a central element in intimate romantic relationships. Yet some people avoid kissing their partners—especially passionate kissing. How can we explain this puzzle?

Passionate and Non-Passionate Kissing

“If there is no profound intimacy, I cannot kiss men during casual sex; they are human vibrators for my sexual release.” –Lilian

“If there is no profound intimacy, I cannot kiss men during casual sex; they are human vibrators for my sexual release.” –Lilian

“My best, most passionate kissing was during a casual sexual encounter.” –Mia

“My best, most passionate kissing was during a casual sexual encounter.” –Mia

Kissing encompasses a wide range of gestures that fall along an affective continuum—from light pecks to deeply passionate kisses. These gestures differ in duration, purpose, intensity, level of intimacy, and emotional meaning. Compared with pecks, passionate kisses are typically longer, more intense, more intimate, and more closely associated with sexual desire (whereas pecks typically occur in affectionate friendships).

Passionate kissing often involves techniques such as French kissing, in which partners use their tongues to deepen physical and emotional connection. A passionate kiss may begin slowly, as partners attune to each other’s responses, or erupt quickly, expressing strong desire. Kissing also functions as a form of nonverbal emotional communication, conveying feelings that may be difficult to articulate in words.

Women’s Views on Passionate Kissing

Despite the powerful allure and intimacy of passionate kissing, numerous people avoid it. Below are illustrative responses from women answering the question: “How often is there passionate kissing in your relationship?” (Reddit).

The Allure of Passionate Kissing

“Passionate kissing puts me in the mood more than anything else.”

“We only do it if we are going to have sex or during sex.”

“Every day, every chance we get.”

“We kiss every day, but the deep sensual kisses happen less frequently. I crave this type of kiss.”

“When I was married, every single day. I could say a lot more with a kiss than with my words.”

“I’m single and celibate now, and I miss passionate kissing more than sex!”

“Usually 5–7 times per week. It doesn’t always lead to sex; we just love kissing each other.”

“Every time we see each other. He’s a great kisser, so why not?”

Avoiding Passionate Kissing

“Never. I’ve always found tongue kissing gross. I prefer closed-mouth kissing.”

“I think too much about basically sharing saliva and whatever else is in someone’s mouth.”

“I enjoy kissing physically, but aging has made me more sensitive to germs.”

“I hate kissing with tongue, but you can still kiss passionately without it.”

“Tongues are a bit yucky—too wet. But in the right mood, or when drunk, it’s fun.”

“With tongue? Rarely. But passionate kissing without tongue happens daily.”

“Tongue? No. I need lots of kisses, but they’re never tongue kisses.”

Closeness and Vulnerability in Intimacy

Intimacy generally refers to feelings of closeness, connectedness, openness, and mutual comfort. It typically develops over time, as partners get to know one another and feel safe together.

Another key component of intimacy is vulnerability—trusting that one’s partner will not hurt or betray you. In a close and trusting relationship, fear of betrayal or infidelity tends to diminish.

In flourishing romantic relationships, both closeness and vulnerability coexist. By contrast, in casual or commercial sex, closeness is minimal, while managing vulnerability becomes more central.

Invulnerability can also exist without closeness—for instance, when two people are unlikely to meet again. This is the case in the “stranger on the train” scenario, where limited time and the absence of future consequences can create a surprising sense of immediate intimacy.

The Fundamentals of Sex

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Kissing is widely recognized as central to intimate experience. Touch is a primary mode of communicating intimacy in romantic relationships (Sorokowska et al., 2023). Kissing both creates and expresses intimacy. However, in relational contexts where closeness is unwanted—such as casual or commercial sex—people may avoid passionate kissing.

Temporal Aspects of Passionate Kissing

A helpful way to understand romantic intimacy is to distinguish between sexual intimacy and romantic intimacy. The key difference lies in their temporal dimension. Romantic intimacy requires time to develop emotional depth and closeness. Sexual intimacy, however, may arise instantly. Moreover, intense sexual desire tends to be strongest at the beginning of a relationship and often decreases with long-term familiarity (Ben Ze’ev, 2000; 2019).

We can therefore identify three primary temporal forms of intimacy:

1. Enduring Intimacy: Ongoing Romantic Relationships

In long-term relationships, avoiding passionate kissing often stems from the nature of the act itself, which some perceive as overly intimate or aesthetically unpleasant (“consuming another person’s saliva is gross”). However, the depth of the relationship may mitigate this discomfort. As one woman noted: “My partner LOVES passionate kissing. I used to hate it, but his love for it helped me enjoy it and stop overthinking.”

2. Bounded Intimacy: Commercial Sex, Sugaring, and Casual Sex

“I have had sex with my young lover a few times at a hotel; it means nothing to me. My body is connected with him, but my soul is not. I’m trying to keep the emotional attachment at arm’s length.” –A married woman

“I have had sex with my young lover a few times at a hotel; it means nothing to me. My body is connected with him, but my soul is not. I’m trying to keep the emotional attachment at arm’s length.” –A married woman

Another reason for avoiding passionate kissing concerns the relational framework—commercial sex, sugaring, or casual sex—where intimacy is limited or “bounded.”

Elisabeth Bernstein (2007) coined the term “bounded authenticity” to describe the sale and purchase of seemingly genuine emotional and physical connection. Sex workers may simulate (or even partially experience) genuine desire to provide clients with a sense of intimacy, yet the intimacy remains constrained. Sugaring extends this idea by combining money, companionship, and a semi-intimate “girlfriend experience.”

Kissing in casual sex is more complex. Avoidance may reflect the nonromantic nature of the interaction or one’s personal boundaries. Some individuals passionately kiss in one relational context but avoid it in another.

3. Instant Intimacy: The Stranger on the Train

Instant intimacy describes fleeting yet intense encounters with strangers. These interactions often involve high trust, low perceived risk, and freedom from ongoing social expectations. Conversations with strangers can be surprisingly pleasant (Schroeder et al., 2022), and this effect may be amplified in sexual encounters.

The first form of intimacy—enduring intimacy—is grounded in long-term closeness. The second—bounded intimacy—characterizes commercial sex, sugaring, and casual sex, where emotional involvement is deliberately limited. The third—instant intimacy—occurs between strangers and is shaped not by closeness, but by the absence of future consequences.

In sum, passionate kissing is usually most enjoyable when the relationship is flourishing, enabling partners to overcome aesthetic concerns and emotional hesitations.

Ben-Ze’ev, A. (2000). The Subtlety of Emotions. MIT Press.

Ben-Ze’ev, A. (2019). The Arc of Love: How Our Romantic Lives Change Over Time. University of Chicago Press.

Bernstein, E. (2007). Sex work for the middle classes. Sexualities, 10, 473–488.

Schroeder, J., Lyons, D., & Epley, N. (2022). Hello, stranger? Pleasant conversations are preceded by concerns about starting one. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 151, 1141–1153.

Sorokowska, A., et al. (2023). Love and affectionate touch toward romantic partners all over the world. Scientific Reports, 13, 5497.

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