In 2031, after it came out that cows were not only holy but could communicate with humans, I was privileged to be the first journalist to interview one

Now beef is banned for all Hindus — and thank God. We cows in a good place today. I mean, imagine if they’d decided goats were holy. illustration by C Y Gopinath using Ai

The Rashtriya Godhan (Cowherd) Mahasangh held its annual summit last week from November 5 to 9 at a stadium near India Gate, Delhi. It was attended by policymakers, dairy experts, and gaushala representatives, along with an exhibition of cow-based products like panchagavya, made from pure cow dung, cow urine, milk, yoghurt, and ghee. The event was so epic that Mr Balaram Pani, Dean of Colleges of Delhi University, long regarded as a bastion of free speech, spoke up loudly, sending a memo on October 31 to principals encouraging students and faculty members to attend this ground-breaking conference.

To make sure that there were no distractions, the university cancelled a scheduled seminar on Land, Property, and Democratic Rights, part of a university lecture series that has been running for six decades. How could that possibly be more vital to the national interest than the welfare of cows?

In 2031, thanks to the huge investments made in researching every aspect of this sacred animal, we learned that holy cows can communicate, using a sophisticated language close to telepathy. It also came out that all cows are thoroughly conversant with

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