It’s all very well for Monty bloody Don. He potters about his garden, dungarees fashionably flapping, charming dogs in tow, all without seemingly a care in the world. Want your dahlias to be bounteous? Monty’s the don. Want to create a wildflower meadow? Just go the full Monty.

Everything is done with a calm smile, the endeavour wholesome but rarely sweaty. If only gardening were really that easy.

I suppose it can be if you go for ultra-low maintenance. A square patch of lawn, with a narrow herbaceous bed at the back – maybe astroturf if you don’t want to spend your life worrying about dandelions in your grass. It might sound dull, but stick a swing or a football goal........

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