I remember seeing my baby’s birth announced on social media five days after the event. It was a surprise, because I hadn’t done it. Made the announcement, I mean.

I’d definitely had the baby. Childbirth had – to the surprise of no one who had ever looked at my five-foot-two and lamentably-pelvised frame, apart from experienced medical professionals, alas – turned out not to be my forte and I was still in hospital when online congratulations started coming in.

A friend, who had been sent the news by text (I wanted “Mother and baby doing well, vagina not so much” but this was vetoed) as part of the small group of friends on our list, had taken it upon herself to do the deed.

It was my first real insight into how differently people view notions of privacy and particularly notions of privacy when it comes to children. I had always thought the boundless willingness of people to put everything up online from the earliest days of social media was odd. But I put that down to my extreme propensity for never sharing anything.

I am innately pessimistic, suspicious and sceptical by nature. At primary school I refused to tell a teacher my address to put on a school form because it seemed to me none of her business and her reasons for needing it seemed inadequate.

I wasn’t planning to have any emergencies........

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