Ooo, a new class survey has been doing the rounds – 13,000 people questioned about what puts you above the salt and what below.

This year, if you say “sitting room”, “supper” and “pudding” instead of “living room”, “tea” and “sweet” that makes you posh. And if you pronounce “scone” like “cone” instead of “gone” it does likewise.

I know! I know! I can hear you now – what kind of scum says “sweet”? Even “dessert” is better than “sweet”! And the scone thing is completely wrong. You should be cast into the outer darkness for rhyming it with “cone”. And we’re off and running.

God, I love class stuff. I love how much talking about it unites us even as the things we are talking about divide us. I love how live an issue it remains in this, the year of our Lord 2026. I especially love how subtly, yet comprehensively, it permeates the entire way of life on this wonderfully septic isle of ours.

Ever since I bought my first toaster I have marvelled at the minutiae of the system. You see, I bought the cheapest toaster possible. Home appliances are so boring – I couldn’t fathom spending more on any of the basics than I needed to. A washing machine, sure. Lotta moving parts, lot that can go wrong, expensive to keep replacing – get the best........

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