My Husband Killed Himself Just Hours After I Asked For A Divorce. Here’s What I Wish I’d Known Then.

"The following weeks were nightmarish as I struggled to make sense of what had happened and my role in it."

It was a night in October of 2004 when everything changed. I still remember the metallic click of my key in the door. It was late, clients had run long, traffic even longer — and all I wanted was to get out of my work clothes and lie down.

Instead, the house felt … wrong. Though my husband’s truck was in the driveway, everything was dark. The porch light wasn’t even on.

I called out his name as I stepped into the foyer — once, twice, then louder a third time. No answer. It was too quiet, like someone had pressed mute on a life that usually hummed with stereo music and my husband’s booming voice.

I heard the wind chimes tinkling in the breeze on the deck. There was not even a sign of our cat. “Hello?” I called, more hesitantly. My chest tightened as I walked through the dark house, then spotted a dim light shining under the closed dining room door. I sensed there was something wrong as I pushed the door open. That’s when I saw him.

He’d positioned a spotlight to shine on his body. He’d always had a flair for the theatrical.

In one breath, my world imploded. My husband of 17 years had hanged himself there, in our shared home, just hours after I’d told him, “I’m done. I want a divorce.”

I sobbed, I shook, I retched. I had trouble calling 911; it took me three tries to hit the right combination of numbers. By the time the police arrived, I was on my knees out front, screaming in the driveway. I couldn’t believe what was happening; it felt like a part of me hovered above the scene, watching.

And there was irony here. I am a psychotherapist. How could I not have predicted this?

The detectives and the coroner spent hours at my home, questioning me. I made tearful calls to friends who came immediately to sit with me but felt powerless to help.

The guilt crushed me. Look what I’d made him do. I’d told him I wanted a divorce. “I killed him,” I told everyone. I was emotionally and mentally shattered.

People always ask if I’d noticed warning signs —........

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