I have a close friend who confided in me that she married a man who was already married. His first wife lives in Pakistan with their three children and, from what I understand, she did not know about this second marriage and did not give any form of consent. My friend believes that second marriages like this are permissible in Islam and she uses this to justify the situation. However, from what she’s told me, there were secrets, lack of transparency and involved a lot of emotional chaos.

She recently had a baby with him and now lives overseas with him. He divides his time and responsibilities between both families. But whenever she talks to me, her story is full of red flags. She is often unhappy, constantly complaining about him yet, in the same breath, defending and justifying his behaviour. It’s exhausting to listen to and I feel deeply sad for everyone involved, especially the children in this complicated situation.

I don’t want to continue this friendship because it upsets me and clashes with my values. At the same time, she has been there for me during some of my hardest moments. Her own family boycotted her after she married this man and I sometimes wonder if she clings to me because she feels isolated.

‘My Friend’s Secret Marriage Troubles Me’

‘My Friend’s Secret Marriage Troubles Me’

Part of me feels like I owe her loyalty because of what she’s done for me. Another part of me feels drained and morally conflicted.

Dear Conflicted Friend,

You are dealing with two very different emotions. While you are grateful for a friend who has been by your side in difficult times, at the same time you are extremely uncomfortable with her life choices. Both aspects need to be acknowledged.

Your friend stood by you during difficult moments in your life, but your gratitude for that should not mean that you must carry on with being her friend indefinitely. Please remember that a friendship is not a lifelong contract to deal with their chaos.

The situation you are describing is clearly troubling you. Whatever one’s religious interpretation of polygamy may be, fact is that ‘secret second marriages’ without seeking permission from the first wife are not allowed under Pakistan’s law. I am not sure about the law in your country of residence.  Also, secrecy and emotional turmoil rarely produce peaceful relationships. You need to understand that the choice that she has made and the marriage is her responsibility, not yours. You are not required to defend it, or act as her Agony Aunt on speed dial when things go awry.

What you can do if you wish to keep her friendship is to be honest with her and draw a few boundaries. You can tell her that, while you care about her, you find the constant discussions about the situation very difficult to listen to. If she still wants to be your friend, it will need to be without the endless cycle of complaints.

If even this ‘friendship with boundaries’ seems like too much, I would suggest that you step back. Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves is to limit the emotions we give to situations that disturb our peace.

You don’t have to abandon your friend. You simply need to recognise your limits. You can continue to appreciate all that she once did for you, without involving yourself into the chaos of her life. Being loyal to someone should not require that you forget your conscience or exhaust yourself.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.Auntie will not reply privately to any query.Please send concise queries to:auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, March 19th, 2026

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