How do you even begin to measure the ineptitude of England’s batting here? Perhaps it is the fact that they bowled Australia out for 132 and yet still contrived to lose by eight wickets in two days.

Or that Alastair Cook faced more balls in making his Brisbane double century in 2010 than the entire team did across two innings of this pulverising in Perth.

For sheer torment, though, it was difficult to look beyond the sorry sight of Joe Root, the second-highest run-scorer in Test history but so psychologically scrambled on this stage that he had fewer runs in this match than his tormentor, Mitchell Starc, had wickets.

The same ignominy befell Ben Stokes. And Zak Crawley, who became the first England opening batsman to depart for a pair in an Ashes series for 27 years.

Harry Brook, the vice-captain, and Ollie Pope, another with experience in the role, surrendered their wickets with unforgivable carelessness.

The vacuum of leadership, coupled with the empty-headed shot-making, laid the platform for one of the bleakest, most bruising defeats England has suffered in Australia.

Scott Boland bounced back in style in stunning scenes on day two in Perth.Credit: Getty Images

They have been on the wrong end of so many shellackings in the 14 years since they last won a Test in this country, but this was something else, a self-immolation on an almost unconscionable scale.

There appeared to be no plan, no pluck, no patience. Having reached lunch on this second day just one down, they batted for the next hour as if this were a Hundred thrash, rather than the crucial phase of the most anticipated Ashes duel in recent memory.

It was a wonder, in all honesty, that the travelling fans were not in a mutinous mood. Many have poured pensions and life savings into making this journey, all to witness England surrender a wonderful overnight position and be blown away in the first two-day Ashes Test for 104 years.

If you were being kind, you would call this a........

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