Recently, my high-end fridge started smugly beeping at me every two or three minutes. (We didn’t buy this fridge, I hasten to add – it came with the house.) After I finally found the manual, buried at the bottom of an overstuffed drawer, I read it from cover to cover. Well, I tried to read it, but such manuals appear to be written by functional illiterates who deliberately call everything by a different name to any that appears on your appliance.

Even when the fridge is not on the fritz, keep the door open longer than the fridge deems appropriate and it beeps. Credit: Getty

Nevertheless, despite the manual-writers’ best efforts, I managed to empty the overflowing ice tray and get the filter light to stop flashing. But nothing stopped the crazy-making beeping. It continued all day and all night, until – after attempting to contact the manufacturer (how assiduously they avoid talking to their customers) – we finally managed to book an independent repairman.

As I sat in my open-plan kitchen/lounge (what idiot thought that was a good idea?), wincing at the continuous beep, I reflected on all the machines that now beep at us. Dishwashers and........

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