The last thing I want to write about is the Netflix documentary "Death of the Pastor's Wife." I addressed it in my Thursday online column after watching it and thought I could be done with it. But it is all I can think about.

And writing is what helps me process life, like doing work that has to be done and then filing it so you can focus on other things.

For a long time, evangelical Christianity wasn't just a place I went on Sunday mornings; it was my marriage, family, writing, and life. It was my community, how I related to God, and the lens through which I understood the world. When I watch the tragic story of Mica Miller, I know what it sounds like when you're sitting in the pews. I know the language spoken in meetings, marriage conferences, and Bible studies. I know how wholesome a church can look from the stage, and how drastically different that reality can be.

The claims about Mica Miller's life and death are nightmarish. The trouble is not just one person or one denomination; it is the fact that the ideas that drive her story are instantly recognizable to people who have lived inside that world. It is a system built on untouchable authority, submission, and a strict gender hierarchy that makes challenging the people in leadership feel like rebellion against God.

Mica was a teenager and John Paul Miller her adult pastor when they met. In the evangelical world, a pastor is a spiritual authority, a counselor, a trusted representative of God, and interpreter of God's word.

When that kind of power follows people into marriage, it is reinforced by a specific theology surrounding sexuality. I have been in many spaces where I was taught that men are "visual creatures" and therefore vulnerable to sexual temptation. We used to have a book on our shelf called "Every Man's........

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