Pharaoh Network News Interviews Moses (Satire)

It turns out that, when it comes to the media, Jews, and Israel, very little has changed in 1,400 years.

Robin M. Itzler | April 1, 2026

Cecille B. DeMille’s outstanding 1956 award-winning epic The Ten Commandments starred Charlton Heston, Yul Brynner, Anne Baxter, and Edward G. Robinson, among many acclaimed stars. It’s nearly four hours long, ending when Moses announced that after 40 years, he wouldn’t get to the Promised Land with the Israelites and walked off into the desert. Roll credits.

Now some exciting news! Israeli archeologists recently discovered a scroll of an interview Moses gave to PNN (Pharaoh Network News) in that 40th year!

Ahmed Cooper: Let me start by asking why Jews were so ungrateful to the Pharaoh who gave them free housing, free food, and jobs? Don’t you think the Israelites should have shown some appreciation?

Moses: We “appreciated” the Egyptians letting us build Pithom and Rameses under their torturous whip. We “appreciated” the Egyptians controlling our population by murdering our males at birth. We “appreciated” the Egyptians having complete control over our lives.

Cooper: So, you did appreciate being slaves!

Moses: Are you meshugener? It was an awful 400+ years for the Jewish people!

Cooper: Okay, let’s talk about those plagues. First, Jews showed a lack of concern about the environment by letting God turn the Nile River and all the water to blood.

Moses: If the Pharaoh had let us go, that wouldn’t have happened. I warned the Pharaoh that the first plague might also bring Greta Thunberg.

Cooper: Next, the frog infestation.

Moses: Jews don’t eat frogs.

Cooper: Gnats and lice followed. Then flies were all over the place.

Moses: We cornered the market with fly swatters. I have a few left over and will give you one.

Cooper: I see you shrugging about frogs, gnats, and flies, and then disease killing Egyptian animals. But certainly, you had some sympathy for the festering boils that were the next plague.

Moses: PharoahCare helped Egyptians who were in pain. “If you like your pharaoh, you can keep your pharaoh.”

Cooper: Then hail and fire, followed by locusts eating crops and darkness for three days.

Moses: The darkness gave us a few days off work, so no one kvetched. Remember, if the Pharaoh had let us go, none of this would have happened.

Cooper: Finally, the last plague was that every firstborn male in Egypt would die. Didn’t it bother you to see so much death?

Moses: Egyptians had been slaughtering Jewish males for more than 400 years of bondage! I was busy putting lamb’s blood on doorposts so the plague would “pass over” Jewish homes.

Cooper: Finally, after these 10 plagues, the Pharaoh said the Israelites could go.

Moses: Yeah, that was a good day. We got the hell out of Egypt as fast as we could. No time for garage sales.

Cooper: Tell me what happened at the Red Sea.

Moses: Oy gevalt! We excitedly left Egypt and were on our way to the Promised Land when we learned the Pharaoh had changed his mind and sent his army to bring us back as slaves. We were at the Red Sea with nowhere to go.

Moses: You should only know from it. Thinking ahead to a future Universal Studios tour, God parted the Red Sea to let us Jews cross. Just as we finished, the sea closed on the Pharaoh’s army. Pretty good, huh?

Cooper: Well, according to PNN, the Pharaoh only wanted to be sure all of you were okay.

Cooper: Let’s turn to God giving you the Ten Commandments?

Moses: Exactly three months after we left Egypt, I went up to Mount Sinai, also known as Mount Horeb.

Cooper: How long were you up there?

Moses: Forty days and 40 nights. If I knew it would be that long, I would have reserved an Airbnb.

Cooper: Bet the Jews were happy to see you when you came down the mountain.

Moses (angry): NO!!! They showed very little faith in the very God who commanded the ten plagues that allowed them to leave Egypt. Instead, they created a shlocky golden calf. I was so upset that I threw down the two tablets and they broke apart. I had to schlep back up the mountain for another 40 days and 40 nights to get another set of tablets.

Cooper: Where is the second set of tablets?

Moses: There are lots of theories about where they ended up, but I told my insurance agent I don’t have them.

Cooper: And that brings us to today, 40 years of wandering around the desert.

Moses: All the original Israelites who left Egypt, except Joshua and Caleb, must die before the Jews reach the Promised Land...

Cooper: The Promised Land being Miami Beach?

Moses: ISRAEL! Speaking of going, I need to finish this interview, as I promised my wife, Zipporah, we would go shopping today.

Cooper: Thank you very much, Mr. Moses, for your time and information. We learned a lot about what happened to Jews during and after their bondage in Egypt.

Moses: You’re welcome. Here is that fly swatter I promised you.

Cooper (facing the scroll): Folks, this was an extraordinary interview. We learned first-hand that Jews did not appreciate the Egyptians giving them food, housing, and jobs. Then we see that these same ungrateful former slaves made life unbearable for their Egyptian hosts with 10 awful plagues. Following the plagues, when they got a chance to leave Egypt, they committed genocide by murdering Egyptian soldiers at the Red Sea. Finally, rather than quickly going to Israel, they spent 40 years sightseeing in the desert.

This is Ahmed Cooper reporting for Pharaoh Network News. 

Image created using AI.

Robin M. Itzler is a regular contributor to American Thinker. She is the founder and editor of Patriot Neighbors, a free weekly national newsletter, and can be reached at [email protected].

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