The context you need, when you need it

When news breaks, you need to understand what actually matters — and what to do about it. At Vox, our mission to help you make sense of the world has never been more vital. But we can’t do it on our own.

We rely on readers like you to fund our journalism. Will you support our work and become a Vox Member today?

How to get over your fear of being a burden and actually ask for help

Whether you’re really struggling or just need a small favor, there’s no shame in seeking support.

It recently dawned on me that I’m terrible at asking for help. But, to be fair, I never really needed to lean on others. Earlier this year, however, I developed pregnancy complications that required me to go on “modified bed rest” — a medical recommendation to restrict your activity levels. If I wanted a hearty home-cooked meal, someone would need to cook for me. My partner had to take over my dog walking responsibilities. I needed assistance changing my sheets, cleaning my apartment, bringing packages inside, and grocery shopping.

Asking for help, I’ve discovered, is tremendously difficult. Doing so puts you in a vulnerable position that can stir up intense feelings of failure and shame, especially in a place like the United States, where social norms emphasize independence. Feeling anxious about needing help is also common if you are a perfectionist who likes control, are part of a marginalized group that’s been conditioned to feel like a burden, or have a history of neglect or abuse and have learned to not rely on others, says Janelle Peifer, a licensed clinical psychologist and associate professor at the University of Richmond.

This can be true no matter your exact situation. Maybe you’re really struggling after getting laid off or divorced. Or, perhaps, you just need a quick favor like an extra pair of hands packing up your apartment or a fresh set of eyes on your resume. Either way, it can feel awkward.

But depending on others doesn’t need to be so daunting, and with a bit of preparation and a few shifts in your perspective, it can become not only easier, but also a powerful way to strengthen your connections. May I present: A quick guide to not shrinking inside yourself next time you need something from someone. Here we go:

Think about how good it feels to help others

When I first started reaching out to friends for favors, I felt like I was majorly inconveniencing them. “If you’re someone who hasn’t asked for help a lot or often, then it’s a big, scary thing to do,” Cassidy Dallas, a psychotherapist in Westford, Massachusetts, tells Vox.

Something that helped me get over that discomfort is reflecting on times I’ve helped........

© Vox