Get unlimited access to everything VICE has to offer.

Turn off all ads on VICE.com

Exclusive New VICE Documentaries

Member Exclusive Features & Columns

Turn off all ads on VICE.com

Exclusive New VICE Documentaries

Member Exclusive Features & Columns

Turn off all ads on VICE.com

Exclusive New VICE Documentaries

Member Exclusive Features & Columns

4 Magazines Delivered to Your Door

5 Lies My OCD Keeps Trying to Sell Me (No Matter How Hard I Try to Ignore Them)

These are some of the common, disturbing lies my OCD has told me.

Share on X (Opens in new window)X

Share on Facebook (Opens in new window)Facebook

Share using Native toolsShareCopied to clipboard

I don’t remember a single time in my life when I wasn’t plagued by OCD. While I was diagnosed at age 6, my symptoms began years prior. In my experience at the time, doctors and psychologists did not have as much of an understanding of this disorder. In fact, I was almost misdiagnosed with schizophrenia because of the nature of my intrusive thoughts. 

One of my worst fears was about hurting the people in my life. We now understand this common form of OCD as “Harm OCD,” but back then, there wasn’t as much research into the disorder. So, my doctor mistook my childhood explanation of my intrusive thoughts at face value. She thought I was hearing voices that were convincing me to do things, not realizing that I was terrified by these thoughts. I didn’t want to act on them. I didn’t feel compelled to do so. In fact, I was actively performing “rituals” and compulsions to make sure I wouldn’t harm anyone.

Needless to say, it took a few psychologists to finally get the proper diagnosis. Now, over two decades later, I have a much better understanding of OCD myself. But it’s such a sneaky, manipulative disorder that I still often find myself believing the lies it spews.

Here are some of the common, disturbing lies my OCD has told me.

1. ‘You Want Bad Things to Happen’

On my college graduation day, I received some of the worst news of my life: someone very close to me was in the hospital with end-stage kidney failure. In just a single moment, my life turned upside down. I was absolutely devastated and terrified of losing him, as we didn’t yet know the cause. I spent my graduation ceremony crying and rushed to his side the moment it was over.

But as it does when you’re at your lowest, my OCD capitalized on this opportunity and proposed a horrible, egodystonic thought: “You want this to be happening.”

All I could think about on the drive to the hospital was how awful a human I was. I began........

© Vice