Get unlimited access to everything VICE has to offer.

Turn off all ads on VICE.com

Exclusive New VICE Documentaries

Member Exclusive Features & Columns

Turn off all ads on VICE.com

Exclusive New VICE Documentaries

Member Exclusive Features & Columns

Turn off all ads on VICE.com

Exclusive New VICE Documentaries

Member Exclusive Features & Columns

4 Magazines Delivered to Your Door

7 Signs You’re Not Dating for Love, You Just Want Validation

Share on X (Opens in new window)X

Share on Facebook (Opens in new window)Facebook

Share using Native toolsShareCopied to clipboard

There’s a version of dating that looks completely normal from the outside. You’re going on dates, staying open, putting in the effort. And if someone likes you—reaches out after, makes it obvious they’re interested—you feel this immediate wash of relief. Like you passed something.

The problem is that feeling has almost nothing to do with the other person. A lot of people are out there dating not because they genuinely want love, but because they need the validation of being chosen. The two can look identical from the outside, but operate on completely different engines. Here’s how to tell which one is driving.

You’re Already Picturing the Relationship

If your mind keeps skipping ahead to what having a partner would feel like rather than staying present with the actual person in front of you, pay attention to that. Moe Ari Brown, LMFT, and Hinge’s in-house Love and Connection Expert, says real interest stays grounded in the person themselves. “You should see them as a whole person, not a flattened version or a fantasy,” he told SELF.

When you’re more attached to the idea of being chosen than to........

© Vice