We are surrounded by so much noise from so many directions that I sometimes feel like I’m in a “twilight zone,” experiencing an alternate reality.

Every day, we are barraged with countless opinions on news broadcasts, talk shows, social media and podcasts, often in an aggressive manner. At the same time, it has become more challenging to simply “talk to one another.”

In the past when people expressed divergent views, conversations were more give-and-take—perhaps ending with: “Guess we will have to agree to disagree.” And life went on. It felt civilized.

Now conversations about lifestyles, values, gender and certainly politics have gone off the rails. We are subjected to ugly name calling and threats of violence over simple differences of opinion. This has become acceptable in many levels of society, including among people in the public eye, who have great influence over others.

The Talmud, the central text of Rabbinic Judaism, teaches how God despises those who purposely deceive, who say one thing “with their mouth and another in their heart.” Doing so violates the Torah, which prohibits false speech and fraudulent business actions. And when pursuing justice, the rabbis say, honesty must prevail over lies. Yet when lying becomes the norm, it warps some people’s version of reality.

Many people automatically reject any idea that doesn’t line up with what they want to hear. They choose information sources that reinforce what they already think and are not open to more varied ideas and information. Why has this happened? Why are people more resistant to listening to others’ opinions, feeling only they are right?

One mantra I have shared with friends and colleagues is “Perception is reality”; how someone sees something often becomes their truth. When we view a situation from all sides, we can better understand one another. That is how I was raised — collaborate with others, reach a consensus and determine the next course of action. But because so many people refuse to see any side but their own, reaching that consensus is much more challenging. And when someone’s perception of a situation is factually wrong, often they cannot or choose not to see it, even though everyone else does.

Upbringing, beliefs, motives, desires and sources of information can all bias a person’s perceptions. So how do we get through to people who hear us but refuse to listen?

In previous generations, there were fewer news programs; broadcasters were more consistent in the content they disseminated. Now, there are so many new sources that have their own specific agendas. What used to be truth has become subjective, not factual. There is increasing skepticism of proven scientific findings and frequent dismissal of what used to be called conventional wisdom.

It is always important to be open to new ideas, even revolutionary ones;

however, if we are to accept new ideas, they need to be based in some form of reality or proven knowledge. How can we learn, evolve and adapt if we don’t begin with the correct information?

Another thing I’m concerned about is the impact of AI, artificial intelligence — yet another source of information and guidance. It absorbs whatever we humans choose to teach. So, who controls that teaching process? Companies with their own agendas who profit from AI? Scientists dedicated to perpetuating “scientific facts?” Is AI being taught about freedom of speech, religious freedom, vaccine effectiveness, what is legal, what is ethical?

Children engage in a similar learning process to AI. They take in all of the information we collectively provide and learn to apply it. We hope they learn parental values and take advice from other trusted sources, thereby developing into adults able to find their place in the world. How will they factor in what they are learning from other sources? How will they adapt to new influences? The same goes for all of us.

Years ago, some would advise: “Spare the rod; spoil the child.” Today,  that might bring the Department of Youth and Family Services (DYFS) to your door. At the same time, helicopter parenting is prevalent. Though well-intentioned, overprotective parents who too often intervene in their children’s challenges may prevent them from learning how to handle things for themselves by developing an understanding of the rewards and consequences of their choices.

Once, my older brother stole candy bars from a store. When we got home, Mom found them and marched him back to the store to apologize and return them. She didn’t rectify the situation herself; rather, she ensured that he learned to take responsibility for his actions, whatever the consequences. Such experiences teach our youth how to be independent and navigate within society.

In personal and professional settings, we often deal with adults who, as kids, may not have been taught that they cannot always “have their way.” They haven’t learned how to compromise in order to get along with others. In the workplace, the ability to share ideas, reach consensus and perform as a team continues to be more challenging than ever before. Why?

I see much more narcissistic behavior in my company  — people expecting work requirements to adapt to their preferences. Being flexible is, of course, important, but what happens when it negatively impacts the work output? Do they understand what they are getting paid to do?

Recently, I needed to have several conversations with an employee who, after several months, still did not improve his performance, despite the suggestions I gave him. Other employees continued to complain that he was not doing his fair share of the workload. In our last sit-down, I shared their points with him. He looked right at me and said he was comfortable with what he was doing and I should just accept that it was enough. In this case, his perception was not reality. He was not factoring in objective information; he expected others to adapt to his self-imposed limitations.

Clearly,  narcissistic behavior has a negative impact on the work place and employee interpersonal relationships. So, what can we do? We, ourselves, can try more often to see a situation from other peoples’ perspectives, but if others don’t do the same, can we ever resolve the situation? How can we expect to be heard if we don’t  listen?

My parents’ advice was to treat people the way you want to be treated. And they would add, “Never say or do anything that would make you ashamed to look at yourself in the mirror every morning.” In these polarized times, how can we encourage others to listen more, judge less and take more personal responsibility for their actions? If we role model that behavior, maybe others will follow.

Debby is a member of the Hadassah Writers’ Circle, a dynamic and diverse writing group for leaders and members to express their thoughts and feelings about all the things Hadassah does to make the world a better place. It’s where they celebrate their personal Hadassah journeys and share their Jewish values, family traditions and interpretations of Jewish texts. Hadassah members are proud of their Zionist mission and their role as keepers of the flame of Jewish values, traditions and beliefs as well as advocating for women’s empowerment and health equity for all. Since 2019, the Hadassah Writers’ Circle has published nearly 800 columns in The Times of Israel Blogs and other Jewish media outlets. Interested in writing? Please contact hwc@hadassah.org.

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