I have been coaching people for decades. I have helped executives navigate boardroom crises, couples untangle years of silence, and professionals find their voice in rooms where they felt invisible. I have also spent many years doing my own work.

And yet, last week I needed to tell my partner that something they said had hurt me, and I felt like a child standing at the edge of a diving board. My heart was pounding, my mouth went dry, and every tool I have ever learned felt suddenly out of reach. In moments like that, it becomes very clear that this is not about knowledge or skill. Something deeper is happening. It is about what takes place in our system.

Israelis are known for being direct. We say what we think. We do not wait our turn, we interrupt, we argue, and we call it honesty. And there is real truth in that. But there is a difference between surface directness and emotional honesty, and it is a difference that costs us more than we realize.

We will tell someone we are annoyed. We will say the food was bad, the plan was wrong, the decision was stupid. But saying “what you did hurt me” or “I feel disconnected from you” or “I need something from you that I am not getting,” that is a different conversation entirely. And most of us, no matter how direct we believe ourselves to be, do not know how to have it.

When you need to say “I’m hurt” to your partner, your parent, or your closest friend, your brain does not experience that moment as connection. It experiences it as a threat. The amygdala, which acts as your alarm system, reacts within milliseconds, long before your conscious mind has formed a sentence. When it activates, access to your prefrontal cortex drops. That is the part of your brain responsible for language, empathy, and self-regulation, and the very capacities you need in that moment become harder to access.

What follows is familiar to........

© The Times of Israel (Blogs)