Safari log: 3.56 p.m. and the Land Rover is parked up on the savannah. Inside, we wear dark glasses and muted clothes. Minutes pass and we still can’t spot the animal we have come to see. We are told that she only comes out at certain times of day, that she is shy.

No, we’re not actually in Africa; we’re in a prep school car park in the Home Counties, on what is known as an Ozempic safari. We have gathered to spot the ‘Mounjaro Mummies’ prowling around after the summer holidays. It’s wild, in all senses. It’s also socially and morally dubious.

Word on the street is that the number of Mounjaro Mummies has swelled after the two-month break, their transformations taking place away from the daily scrutiny of the school run. Given that we can’t get a proper look at them without being too obvious, we have come to operate a stake-out system.

We know exactly what to look for: sunken faces, slightly wasted arms and, of course, dramatic, envy-inducing weight loss. I’m talking at least three dress sizes dropped and a slightly reptilian facial expression – the sort that Sharon Osbourne and Serena Williams now display. This is weight loss we all know can’t be achieved in two months by restricting your calorie intake and doing pilates. The ‘wellness’ jig is up: throw your Lululemon leggings away. Third-wave body positive feminism has lost. Really, we should stick a white flag on top of the Land Rover.

From the privacy of the car, the drumbeat is one of disapproval. ‘It’s extremely irresponsible as a mother,’ one of us says,........

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