If you are living with a defiant teenager, you know the drill. You ask them to take out the trash, and they roll their eyes. You mention homework, and a door slams. You try to set a limit on screen time, and World War III erupts in your living room.

Exhausted parents often come to my office asking, “Why won’t he listen?” or “Why is she so disrespectful?” The harsh truth is that most of us are working harder at our children’s happiness and success than they are. Think about it: who is more upset with laziness, negativity, disrespect, apathy, or defiance? Likely, you are.

And then what happens? We lecture, we negotiate, we yell, and we plead. But here is the reality: Words do not teach these critical life lessons; consequences do.

When you try to teach, coach, reprimand, correct or discipline a teenager with words, you are likely to lose. You cannot control them with words, but you can control the environment and the resources they care about. In this way, you can begin to teach them (through life lessons) what behaviors will serve them. So, if you want to turn the tide on oppositional or defiant behavior, you must stop talking and start acting – by influencing what your teenager cares about.
Here are four specific strategies to regain your sanity and teach your teen responsibility.

In my work with parents, I use the........

© The Saratogian