So in Dublin, parts of Leinster and some of Tipperary there is a hosepipe ban. And what do I care about such menial suburbanism? I don’t own a hose, nor a garden. I have no plants to water nor paddling pools to fill up. Such is the life of the bohemian newspaper columnist, I suppose. But I do care about good manners and proper citizen behaviour – which makes me very interested in the hosepipe ban indeed.

If you were to just quietly peer out of your curtains into next door’s garden only to spot your neighbour flouting the ban – in place until August 26th owing to the heatwave – then Uisce Éireann has a solution for you. Here it is, the number of the customer care team, ready and waiting for you to report such moral turpitude: 1800 278 278. Go ahead, dob them in. Practically, no one ever gets fined. Theoretically, it could cost Sean and Norma €5,000. It feels good to induce financial suffering in others, no?

I am fairly lapsed, but even I can remember “love thy neighbour” as one of the central moral lessons of the bible. It’s quite catchy, and really drummed into us as youngsters, so I think there are no excuses for anything other than perfectly neighbourly behaviour. And what counts? A friendly wave in the morning, a promise to feed the cats when they are on holiday, picking up each........

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