My son brought his girlfriend home last month and we really wanted to make things nice for her. We started with a shame-fuelled whirlwind clean, but were instantly betrayed the second our son stepped inside and exclaimed: “It’s so tidy! I’ve never seen it this clean!” (It got worse when he showed her my office, the portrait in the attic to the rest of the house’s Dorian Gray.)

She is from the US, which added an extra set of anxieties about how we live, specifically around ice and water. I have watched........

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