It's race day. But don't concern yourself with the Melbourne Cup. Other events are infinitely more interesting.

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There's the Sudden Expert Sprint. Blokes in offices across the land who never pay any attention to horse racing will today be instant experts, telling colleagues (who haven't asked) which horse they're certain will win. Normally well spoken, today they affect the spiel of the trackside spiv, certain they're impressing everyone and not noticing the raised eyebrows which silently say, "Dickhead".

The Sweep Stakes can start early in the day but are often left to the last minute - and the office junior - because no one else could be bothered organising it. But once the spreads from the newspapers have been cut up, there's no escaping.

Junior will find you - even if it means standing guard until you leave the dunny, stationery cupboard or wherever else you're hiding. And when you are caught, don't even think of declining to take part. You'll forever be marked down as worse than the Christmas Grinch, consigned to a social oubliette from which there's no escape.

Most entertaining is the Fascinator Folly, when Halloween decorations are repurposed as headgear. Feathers and netting that last week made front doors spooky today make heads look like bird strike - a starling or two caught in the hair. Outwardly, there's gushing and cooing. Inwardly, participants wonder why they bother on this one day each year. No one in their right mind wears a fascinator on any other day.

The surprise at seeing Nathan from accounts in a suit - the last time was when he fronted court on a DUI charge - is quickly overtaken by the smell. Top notes of naphthalene fight with the citrusy waft of the Joop! aftershave Aunt Beryl gave him two Christmases ago. There's only one winner of the Dress-up Darby and it's never Nathan, who hasn't yet learned that pairing the old suit with sneakers, trilby and novelty tie isn't a contender for fashions on the field.

Among the other race day events, the Long-Distance Lunch is the most gruelling, especially if it's run out of the office. At restaurants, pubs and clubs everywhere, participants who don't drink will be wondering why they didn't call in sick as the conversation around them becomes ever more raucous and........

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