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Sibling estrangement is not as rare as people might think.

Seldom is estrangement an impulsive decision—it's often a "last-resort" effort at self-protection.

Early family dynamics can drive later-life estrangement between siblings.

Perhaps surprisingly, grief and relief often coexist for those who initiate estrangement.

Sibling relationships are usually the ones that last the longest of any relationships in our lives. In many families, siblings enter each other’s lives before memory fully develops; they often remain throughout older adulthood; and we share a family history that others might not understand (Gilligan et al., 2020). Siblings know our strengths and weaknesses, and that can be a boon or a burden as we mature.

It’s also key to recognize that sibling estrangement is not as rare as many think. Hank and Steinbach (2023) found that around 28 percent of individuals in their large-scale family study, with 10,000 sibling dyads, had experienced estrangement with a sibling. They also found that sibling estrangement was often temporary and more likely in situations where significant family transitions were more frequent.

People often assume that estrangement is impulsive or selfish, but it generally comes as a last resort after years of trying to reshape a relationship. In fact, the stories of individuals in my qualitative study of estrangement underscore the truth that their decision was made after longstanding efforts of trying to maintain or reshape a dysfunctional relationship. After years of failed efforts, they finally decided that distance was the healthiest choice for them to make. While estrangement is a clear endpoint to dealing with relationships that lack safety, trust, and potential for change, there are many pathways that lead individuals to this decision.

The Accumulation of Hurt

When we think about how people develop over time, we know that much........

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