Why Relationships Matter

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Warmth predicts relationship satisfaction, trust, and emotional safety.

Social trends show declining warmth: fewer friendships, less trust, and more incivility.

Small behaviors—smiles, curiosity, listening—create powerful warmth signals.

Warmth grows best when partners work on it together, with kindness and self-reflection.

Warmth is an essential ingredient of healthy relationships. The warmer we are toward each other, the stronger our bonds become in our romantic relationships, families, and friendships, leading to a higher overall level of subjective well-being.

Is Social Warmth Trending Down?

Are we getting colder toward each other? Data over the past several decades suggests so, as indicated by declines in social trust, fewer close friendships, and increases in perceived rudeness.

The number of Americans reporting that they have three or fewer friends has nearly doubled since 1990. Additionally, about half of U.S. adults think that people act more rudely in public since the pandemic, with 20% saying a lot more rudely.

Over-reliance on digital communication may be part of the problem. We trade meaningful, emotionally rich interactions for more frequent, but shallow, connections. This, in and of itself, can diminish interaction quality.

“Phubbing” or phone snubbing, the habit of checking one’s phone while on a date or having dinner, is another barrier to warmth, especially among couples. It’s estimated that up to 56% percent of people phub.

Smiling, positive statements, and responsiveness infuse our interactions with warmth. We prioritize these types of social warmth cues over ability cues when evaluating others’ intentions. Warmth is also tied to traits like acceptance, openness, and curiosity, which together can have a lasting positive effect on our style of communication.

Forced warmth may do the opposite. Recently, Target implemented a “10-4” policy that instructs associates to smile and wave whenever a customer comes within 10 feet. Some have argued that this kind of policy encourages inauthenticity.

Expressing warmth in simple ways, verbally and non-verbally, can breed closeness, but more so when it comes from choice versus obligation and conveys an honestly felt emotional resonance.

5 Qualities of Warm People

Carl Rogers, the founder of person-centered therapy, defined interpersonal warmth as a part of positive regard. Someone who expresses positive regard toward you is:

Accepting – nonjudgmental and open toward you despite differences.

Supportive – genuinely happy to see you thrive and succeed, and willing to help you to the best of their ability.

Unconditional – not withholding acceptance or support for unmet expectations.

Nonpossessive – not manipulative, controlling, or self-absorbed when expressing care and love.

Curious – sincerely interested in learning more about you.

These qualities, when expressed consistently, encourage safety, self-reflection, and connection. If you regularly use person-centered active listening skills like reflection, affirmation, and open-ended questions in your relationships, people will tend to perceive you as more interested, warm, and empathic.

The Effects of Warmth in Relationships

The typical warmth level of your environment of origin can affect how much warmth you currently direct into your relationships.

Researchers found that low parental warmth was associated with more blunted neural emotional reactivity in adolescents, especially boys. They suggested that this could reduce empathic responding.

Why Relationships Matter

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Fortunately, we can increase the warmth we receive in a relationship simply by showing warmth to the other person. One study found that couples having a conflict-filled conversation will raise their warmth levels in a complementary way when one partner takes that “warmth leap” first.

This phenomenon of “warmth complementarity” predicts relationship health measures, including intimacy, trust, and respect.

8 Ways to Spark Warmth In Your Relationship

A multi-pronged approach can kick your warmth generation and attraction ability into high gear:

Focus on what you like best about the other person, not their less appealing attributes. The more you think about why you like someone and what you enjoy about their company, the more warmth you can cultivate.

Step into a curious and accepting mindset more often. See if you can practice “allowing” in your relationship, or letting go of small annoyances. Ask curious questions to learn about your partner before jumping to conclusions. Try to extend this practice to other areas of your life.

Do an honest warmth assessment, but with compassion and reciprocity. Share perspectives on warmth with your partner. Stay behavioral and future-focused (for example, “I’d like it if you asked me about my day when I come home”). Start with one small change and use the reciprocity rule.

Take turns sharing a vulnerability. Researchers have found that when we are less afraid of being rejected, we are more open, accepting, and warm. Feelings of safety invite warmth into a relationship. Sharing vulnerability can create “we” versus “you and I” feelings.

Incorporate more positive “bids” in your relationship. A bid is a small gesture of affection or friendliness. It can be a touch on the arm, a hug, a smile, soft eye contact, or a question about how your partner is feeling. If your baseline positive bid level is low, and your partner is receptive, initiate one and see what happens.

Pay attention to your own unhappiness and take steps to care for yourself. If you feel unhappy about something in your life, it can shut off your source of warmth toward others. You may need some protected self-care time, like taking that extra day off from work or starting a project that invigorates you with purpose.

Recognize and celebrate times when you are warm. If warmth is hard for you, find small ways in which you show it already. Keep a warmth journal, describing times when that feeling was either given or received. During the day, pay special attention to warm thoughts.

Don’t be afraid to leave a relationship or environment that remains cold. If your efforts to cultivate warmth continually prove ineffective, you may need to search for a relationship, connection, or environment that’s more conducive.

Warmth Is Buildable, But It May Not Happen Overnight

Building warmth may feel like climbing a mountain, especially if you've suffered trauma or found yourself stuck in cold interpersonal environments. Be compassionate toward how you’ve responded in the past, particularly when you've been cold to others. This can help you persist in changing the warmth status quo. If you are warm toward yourself first, others will likely see it in your words and actions, and be more likely to match it.

© Psychology Today