Why Relationships Matter

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If you grew up with parents who ignored problems or were violent, you learn to walk on eggshells as a child.

As adults, the result is that problems are never solved, and distance becomes the way to avoid conflict.

The key is learning to break the pattern by approaching your anxiety, and stepping outside your comfort zone.

Jake and Maria both admit that they never discuss problems. They have been living together for several years, and say they are open about other topics in their lives—like their day, weekend, or vacation plans, and spending money. But when it comes to irritations, annoyances, or real issues such as dealing with extended family, a hurtful comment, or chores like walking the dog, they fall silent; they sweep these problems under the proverbial rug.

For other couples, this way of handling problems eventually catches up with them, leading to out-of-control arguments about loading the dishwasher or someone acting out—affairs, drinking binges, shopping sprees—that always feel justified. But not Jake and Maria; their blow-ups never happen. They are not alone. Other couples do the same. What’s going on?

They are using distance to avoid confrontation.

When asked, they will both admit that their relationship has shifted from lovers to roommates. The initial oxytocin-fueled passion has understandably waned, but they have gone from 60 to zero. There is little affection, no sex for months. Conversations circle logistics—weekly schedules—or updates on the job, the dog. There are no earlier intimate conversations about goals, feelings,........

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