In couples therapy, it's common for partners to want to explain their position. To plead their case. They want to share their point of view and how it’s different from their partner’s. They want their partner to get it. This is the kind of dynamic where the therapist can take on the role of a judge or referee. It’s an easy situation to fall into, but an important one to avoid. One way we can try to break this pattern is by using an approach called reflective listening.

The goal of reflective listening is to concentrate on what the other person is saying, to the exclusion of whatever response we feel we need to express that can make us skip over appreciating what has been said. One partner will be directed to talk about an issue that is important to them that has come up in therapy. When they’re done, it’s the other person’s job to then repeat what their partner said. Not to repeat what they think they said, or describe their opinion about what they said, or express their take on what was said. The goal is to show that they’ve been listening by reflecting back what they heard. Then we go back to the original partner to check with them to make sure they got it right. We might go back and forth a couple of times........

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