During a divorce, it is crucial to renegotiate boundaries with one's former spouse.

Boundaries are less about telling someone else what to do and more about outlining one's own priorities.

Strong boundaries help create safety, trust, and respect.

Divorce clearly comes with stress and challenges, along with intense feelings of loss and grief. Yet, we also know that divorce offers opportunities for profound growth and change.

If we think of this period of growth as a cycle that reinforces itself, you can picture how feeling empowered might lead to clearer boundaries, which might lead to feeling stronger and happier. In unhealthy marriages, the cycle often goes in the opposite direction.

While the topic of boundaries has become popular recently, there’s still confusion about exactly what boundaries are. In The Book of Boundaries, Melissa Urban defines them as “clear limits you establish around the ways you allow people to engage with you, so that you can keep yourself and your relationships safe and healthy.”

In other words, boundaries are not about telling someone else what to do but rather defining what you will and won’t accept. They are about your behavior, not theirs.

Setting boundaries is an important component of self-care. This includes taking a break when you need one, saying no to things you don’t want to do, asking for help, and refusing to clean up other people’s messes. You may worry that if you hold a boundary with someone, you will lose them. But in reality, if you don’t hold that boundary, you are more likely to lose yourself.

Clear boundaries can help you:

Strengthen your relationships

Define your limits and expectations

Avoid overcommitting and burnout

Enhance your mental health

Many people have been socialized to take care of others’ needs, “play nice,” and cooperate. These expectations can slowly erode boundaries. You may believe you are selfish or controlling if you set a boundary, and yet it is critical to identify and express your needs. Holding a clear boundary is an essential life skill and a way of respecting yourself and your relationships.

Good boundaries are especially crucial during a divorce. They help build safety, trust, and respect. Many people fear that holding a boundary will be met with anger, criticism, rejection, or retaliation. This may be true at first in certain circumstances, but that doesn’t necessarily mean giving up those boundaries will lead to a better outcome.

When you don’t set boundaries, you may end up feeling a lot of resentment and anxiety. If your boundaries are inconsistent or unclear, you may:

Worry about your safety

Receive unsolicited advice

Dread certain conversations

Agree to things that are not in your best interest

Feel anxious about phone calls or emails

3 Steps to Make Clear Boundaries

First, you must recognize the need for a boundary.

Use your feelings as a guide. Are you dreading an interaction? Do certain conversations make you feel coerced or insulted? Do you feel resentful about something you’ve said “yes” to? Once you’ve tuned in to your feelings and realize you want a change, it’s important to get clear on why you feel that way.

Example: “I dread every conversation with my ex because he insults me and threatens me about our legal case.”

Second, state your boundary clearly.

Find a time when you are feeling calm so your boundary comes across as clear, kind, and respectful of you and the other person. Use a neutral tone and be direct and specific. Remember that other people can’t read your mind. Try not to provide a detailed rationale or justify your boundary, as overexplaining can invite argument. It’s better to communicate a boundary early on, rather than waiting until you’re on the verge of exploding.

Example: “I don’t feel respected when we talk. From now on, I will only discuss our legal matters over email.”

Third, hold the boundary.

For many people, this is the hardest part. But just like strengthening a muscle, the more you practice, the stronger you get and the easier it becomes. Remember that your limits and needs matter. You are allowed to make your boundaries known and to enforce consequences if they are crossed.

Example: “As I mentioned, I’m moving our discussions to email. I’m going to hang up now. If you have something to discuss, send me an email.”

The more you practice setting and maintaining your boundaries, the easier it will become. Your relationships will become stronger and healthier, and your communication will become more direct.

Urban, M. (2023). The Book of Boundaries: Set The Limits That Will Set You Free. New York: Dial Press Paperback.

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