The Fundamentals of Sex

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If someone doesn't enjoy sex much, don't expect them to initiate it.

If a partner won't initiate sex much, don't assume it's a comment on how much you're loved.

When your partner won't initiate sex, don't create so much conflict about it that sex disappears altogether.

Whether or not people initiate sex often depends on nonsexual issues.

Every week or two, a new patient complains that their partner rarely initiates sex. The new patient expects me to figure out why—and more importantly, how to get their partner to change and initiate more.

People who rarely initiate sex fall into one of three categories:a) They like the sex they have.b) They like sex, but not the sex that’s available.c) They don’t much care for sex.

Do You Like Asparagus?

If someone doesn’t care for sex, expecting them to initiate it is unrealistic (I don’t like asparagus, and no one is surprised that I don’t cook it or order it in restaurants). That couple needs a different conversation, perhaps about whether to continue the relationship.

If someone likes sex but doesn’t like the sex that’s available in their current relationship, expecting them to initiate it is also unrealistic. These couples need to figure out how to make the sex more appealing to both parties. This may involve sexual changes (less of this, more of that, an........

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