Most of us grow up believing that conflict is the enemy of love. We imagine that a good relationship is one in which partners rarely argue, never hurt each other’s feelings, and spend most of their time in harmony. But in real life, the couples who last don’t avoid conflict. They learn how to use conflict as the very material that strengthens their bond.

As couples therapists—and as a couple who has weathered our share of storms—we’ve learned that conflict can actually be the healthiest thing for your relationship—if you know how to move from rupture to repair.

Cultural stories about love are filled with fairy-tale endings. The prince and princess kiss, and the curtain falls. But what happens next? Nobody tells you that in the sequel, they argue about chores, feel lonely even when they’re together, or clash over money and family.

When conflict shows up, many couples assume something is wrong with them—or, worse, that they’ve chosen the wrong partner.

We thought that once, too. In the early years of our marriage, our arguments could feel like full-blown disasters—two therapists who should “know better,” locked in old patterns of defensiveness and distance. But what we discovered, through our own work and through years of clinical practice, is that conflict isn’t proof of failure. It’s proof of engagement.

Conflict isn’t a glitch in the system. It is the system. It’s how couples grow.

In our book

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