We typically believe that the person who is “dumped” during a breakup suffers so much more than the person ending the relationship (the dumper). We think the person who is dumped does not want the relationship to be over, wants to try and fix it, keep it going, stay in contact—anything but end it.

By contrast, the person who initiates the breakup is often viewed as wanting out, no matter the pain caused, and somehow dismissing all the good that came from being together.

Sometimes researchers do in fact find that the initiator of a breakup fares better than the rejected partner.

However, there’s growing evidence that this is not often the case. After analyzing hundreds of individuals’ reports about their adjustment after a breakup, we have found (as have others) that very often the two groups do not differ in their reports of sadness and loss. When we examine research documenting day-by-day impacts, more often we find no differences.

How can that be? One partner chose to give up on something that was shared between partners,........

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