Children who do not have open donors but have an open dialogue with their parents tend to fare well.

Sharing your child's story can be difficult and lead parents to delay telling.

Practicing your child's story can help ease the discomfort that often comes with using donor conception.

Donor conception research has helped confirm what many already knew and what was learned from the world of adoption: telling your child about their origins is important. It is also important to speak with them early and often so they can gradually absorb the words, concepts, and information into their psyche, so it becomes a natural part of their identity.

Children who were adopted in the 1960s and 1970s were often very unhappy about the shame and secrecy surrounding adoption. Adoption agencies often told parents “not to tell” or at least not to share any details about their child’s birth parents. These adult children later shared that having this information kept from them led to identity confusion, distrust, and sometimes anger toward their parents.

Unfortunately, we learned the same lesson a second time as we witnessed donor-conceived individuals share similar feelings. Yet it is a bit different now. Unlike adoptive parents in the ’60s and ‘70s, more parents-to-be are single or openly LGBTQIA+. These parents typically shared more with their children, and so fairly early on in donor conception research, we were able to see the difference it makes when parents disclose, or do not disclose, to their children.

Disclosing "early and often"

So, how and when do we disclose? The “early and often” theory advocates for discussing a child’s origins even when they are in the crib, or in utero. The idea is that sharing what may feel like a complicated or adult concept with children can be difficult. Parents want to get it right but may feel uncomfortable figuring out how to share this complex information with a baby. If they have experienced infertility, they may also feel triggered by revisiting the process or discussing the donor. If this happens, it is unlikely that the child will think, “My mom/dad is trying to get this right.” Instead, the child is more likely to think, “Why do my parents seem so uncomfortable every time they discuss this topic? Maybe there’s something wrong with it.”

Instead, if parents practice before the child understands what they’re saying, they have time to work out the kinks. They can try out different narratives, look through the wide range of books now available to share with donor-conceived children, and create a story that works for them and their family. As research has evolved, we continue to learn more, and, as a result, more options for varying degrees of openness in donor/recipient relationships have developed.

Our minds have also opened to new ideas about how the options for contact with the donor can help our children. The two most frequently cited reasons are medical and emotional. Since a donor’s health can change over time, it can be helpful to reach out to your donor for updated medical information. Many donors are now willing to be contacted when the child is 18. It is important to remember that donors will be healthy at the time of donation, but as people age, they may develop health issues that could be useful for your child to know. Your child may also simply be curious about their donor. They may want to get to know them, or may just wonder why they have dimples when their parents don’t. So, having a way to reach out to the donor at some point is valuable.

Structural vs. Communication Openness

What else do we know? Dr. Vasanti Jadva and her colleagues have been studying the experiences of donor-conceived people for some time, and they discovered that this latest generation of children who are told early and often about their origins are doing quite well. She has also found that concepts from adoption research, specifically, structural openness vs. communication openness, apply to families with donor-conceived children.

What’s the difference? Structural openness refers to having some form of open relationship with your donor. Communication openness is about the way parents communicate with their children. This goes beyond just “telling.” It suggests that sharing information is not a one-time event, and that the more parents stay open to their child’s questions, demonstrate a willingness to talk about the donor, and show support for the child’s feelings about their donor, the better those children tend to fare and the closer they tend to feel to their parents.

This is valuable information, regardless of what level of openness you decide to pursue with your donor. A fully open relationship doesn’t feel right for every parent-to-be. Children who don’t have fully open donor relationships but whose parents communicate openly and don’t shy away from questions or discussions about the donor, do very well.

There is no way to know if your child will feel interested in their donor conception story or not. Just like us, children have different personalities, but the research is clear. Early investment in becoming more comfortable with donor conception can have a lasting positive impact for your child and your relationship with your child, for years and even decades in the future.

There was a problem adding your email address. Please try again.

By submitting your information you agree to the Psychology Today Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy

© Psychology Today