Have you noticed that despite really wanting to feel loved, you avoid or outright reject other people’s attempts to show you affection or to comfort you? And, yet, you may even feel rejected. Still, rather than seeking out your partner when you are upset, you might skulk off to hide in your bed. Even you may not fully understand why. But there is a good reason for it. To take in comfort or affection, you must lower your defenses. This would make you vulnerable to getting hurt—something you have learned to reflexively avoid, especially if you have an anxious or insecure attachment style. It’s a real conundrum. So, what can you do?

Many people try to force themselves to open up. You can do this, but chances are that you would feel like a victim to your own pressure, which would actually make matters worse. Instead, learn to respect your need to protect yourself. Also, develop self-compassion for your struggles by learning to understand your reactions. This will reinforce your model of self as someone whose experience is to be valued and respected. From this emotionally safe position, you are more likely to feel OK about questioning your defensive reactions. Then you might slowly open up to taking in comfort from people you judge to be truly caring and supportive.

You might notice that you become uncomfortable when someone is physically affectionate or when you........

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