It’s a myth that we have to love ourselves before we can love others. However, in order to love, we have to accept that some of them truly love us. This is a significant challenge for perfectionists.

Perfectionism is a barrier; we place it in front of ourselves to avoid painful feelings. At once, we believe it—considering it as a self-evident and, thus, objective standard—and use it to mask our shame, of both who we are and how we’ve managed our affairs. Like many perfectionists, I drown myself in my work. Doing so helps me avoid having to deal with severed relationships and those hanging on by a thread. It helps me avoid resolving how much and even whether I love my work anymore. It helps me cope with the pain of my regrets of failed relationships, which, in part, failed because of my preoccupation with work, from my practice to writing. Most importantly, perfectionism helps me avoid looking at whether I believe I’m lovable.

So, what is perfectionism really? What happens when we look at it deeply? Do we really believe it? Fundamentally, the answer is no, for there’s nothing to believe in. As with many other perfectionists, for the long term, I use no real criteria; my standard just consists of “more.” I need more proof, more success, more answers, and, the best of all, some final, ethereal experience. If I haven’t worked out for........

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