Many people come into therapy with a desire to talk about the present: the promotion they didn’t get, the stress they feel as parents, their frustration with that friend they can’t stand but are still keeping around. But mostly, they want to talk about their relationships. What’s wrong with them, how to make them better, confirmation that they are in fact not crazy and that it really isn’t a lot to ask of their partner to do (insert task here). Often, as I patiently listen to their concerns, I ask a few clarifying questions about how they grew up: What kind of relationship did your parents have? What role did you play as a child in your family? What attracts you in a partner?

As we continue to talk about the present, I sprinkle in these questions, which will inevitably lead us down intertwined paths that end with an exploration of their past. The realization that often hits them is this: How they grew up, what relationships they witnessed, and the role they played in their family all contribute to the kind of partner they choose and the role they continue to play in their adult relationships. This is especially true for those of my clients who grew up parentified, an awareness of which is often disconnected from their present understanding of their relational difficulties.

Think of attachment as a bridge between childhood experiences and adulthood. A secure attachment,........

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