“I felt like I was being interviewed,” a friend told me after a recent date. “He asked about my five-year plan, my attachment style, even how I process emotions. By the end, I was waiting to hear if I got the job.”

Dating today often feels like that. We’ve absorbed the language of evaluation—vetting, red flags, emotional availability—and use it as a kind of self-protection. Instead of exploring connection, we assess it. What used to be discovery now feels like a performance review.

And it’s not just happening early in dating. Many long-term partners fall into the same trap. They mentally grade each other’s progress: Are they growing fast enough? Meeting my needs? Doing the work? Love slowly turns into management.

As a psychologist, I see this pattern constantly. People want connection, but their habits are built around control. One woman told me she can tell within 10 minutes if a man is emotionally safe. Another screens dates for........

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