Meet the four types of special friends who enrich your life: the encourager, tailor, inquirer, and reader.

They know the real you, quirks and all, and use that knowledge to make you feel truly valued.

By understanding how they contribute to your life, you can learn to thank these friends more thoughtfully.

Several years ago, my then-colleague Barry Chung offered to nominate me for an honor in our professional organization. There was one problem: I didn’t think I qualified. I tried to decline. Our conversation went something like this:

Barry: You should apply for [name of the honor]. Joel: You’re joking.Barry: I’m not. You’re definitely qualified.Joel: No, I’m not.Barry: Yes, you are. I’m very confident. I’ve reviewed several nominations for [name of the honor], and you definitely meet the criteria.Joel: There’s no way I can do this.Barry: It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to consent. I’m going to nominate you anyway!

Barry believed in me more than I believed in myself and communicated his belief with persistence. I relented and agreed to be nominated. As Barry correctly predicted, I was eventually conferred the honor he nominated me for. I remain incredibly grateful to Barry.

The Encourager, the Tailor, the Inquirer, and the Reader

I want to introduce you to four types of friends who enrich our lives—the encourager, the tailor, the inquirer, and the reader. Many of us are grateful for people who enrich our lives but lack the vocabulary to explain why.

We default to broad expressions: Thank you for everything! I appreciate your friendship. You’ve always been there for me. But I hope this installment will inspire us to be more specific about how these friends add value to our lives when we thank them. I use the word “friend(s),” but these four types also apply equally well to your co-workers, family members, and partners—anyone who knows you well.

The encourager is the friend who believes in you more than you believe in yourself. But not only that—they know how to communicate that belief to you in ways that expand your sense of what is possible. Barry was the encourager I needed in my life. The encourager’s credibility matters. They typically possess relevant knowledge, expertise, or skills, so their encouragement feels grounded rather than hollow.

In our research on encouragement, my colleagues and I identified a key pathway through which encouragement leads to long-term positive change. The best encouragers are those who know how to instill new insights, shifting how we see ourselves or the world. Perhaps you never saw yourself as a teacher. Then someone says, “You’re gifted at explaining complex ideas. You should teach.” That insight expands your self-concept. That’s the encourager at their best.

The tailor is the friend who invests time and effort to truly know you well and shows it in meaningful ways. Researchers Sara Algoe and Kylie Chandler refer to this quality as responsiveness and argue persuasively that it’s a foundational mechanism that fosters gratitude. I call this friend the tailor because they individualize their expressions of care. The tailor takes the time to observe and ask you what you like and dislike, remembers your birthday, and customizes their gifts to you based on this knowledge.

Perhaps you once casually mentioned that you like dogs, especially poodles. The tailor is that friend who remembers what you said and buys you a poodle figurine for your birthday.

Many of us have hidden aspects of our identity or perhaps parts of our lives we rarely share with others. The inquirer is that friend of yours who is interested in getting to know the full you, including the less visible parts of your life. They ask questions that others avoid for fear of offending you. But the inquirer takes the risk to ask, because they care about you and really want to get to know you.

The inquirer asks questions about your religious or spiritual beliefs (or lack of them)—not to convince you that you’re wrong, but because they sincerely want to understand what makes you tick. Questions like, “What is it like for you to be a Black man in a predominantly white organization?” They are curious about your career path—how you got to your current job, what you like and dislike about it, and whether you feel like your job is a calling or more of an obligation.

But above all, they ask these questions in ways that demonstrate that they value you.

Have you ever felt left out in a conversation? Everyone else is talking about a topic you can’t relate to. The reader is that friend who notices that you’re quiet and wonders if you’re feeling lonely—they then find ways to draw you into the conversation or make you feel included.

Readers aren’t mind readers—they don’t necessarily know what you’re feeling. But they can read you in the sense that they notice the subtle shifts—they can tell that your energy has shifted, they see the frown on your face, or they observe your face lighting up suddenly. They don’t know what it means, but they care enough to ask.

What These Four Types Share

What do these four types of individuals have in common? They know you well and value the real you, with all your quirks, strengths, weaknesses, wishes, and fears. And they use their intimate knowledge of you to make you feel valued.

I want to emphasize how rare and precious these four types of friends are. Because they display a confluence of three factors—they (a) know you well, (b) care about you, and (c) are skillful in expressing care to you. When all three converge, something powerful happens. You receive a message that makes you feel seen, valued, and strengthened.

Putting It Into Practice

I know what some of you might be thinking: I don’t have anyone like this in my life. I hear you. Here’s what you can do:

First, I hope this discussion highlights the types of friendships and relationships to look for and cultivate. If you’re deciding between two job offers, and everything else is equal, pick the job with co-workers or supervisors who are encouragers. And when it comes to fostering friendships and relationships, don’t just focus on common interests. Look out for the encouragers, tailors, inquirers, and readers. These individuals steady you, see you clearly, and make you a better version of yourself.

Second, rather than simply waiting for one of these individuals to show up in your life, you could become one of these people.

You can choose to encourage.You can tailor your care.You can inquire with curiosity.You can learn to read others more attentively.

Focusing less on what’s not working for you and more on what you can do for others is an important pathway to leading a meaningful life. And when you model this kind of goodness, you increase the likelihood that others will reflect it to you. But if, after reading this post, you realize you have at least one of these four types of friends, I hope you can be more thoughtful in how you thank them. Name the gifts they bring and tell them why they matter to you.

The encourager, the tailor, the inquirer, and the reader—these are the types of people that restrain our cynicism, restore our faith in goodness, and renew our gratitude for life.

This post is part of a mini-series on the Varieties of Goodness. It also appears in my Substack newsletter on the science and practice of gratitude.

Wong, Y. J., Li, P. F. J., Cheng, H.-L., & McDermott, R. C. (2025). The anatomy of encouragement: Addressing the what, why, when, who, and for whom of encouragement messages. Journal of Prevention and Health Promotion, 6(4), 560-590. https://doi.org/10.1177/26320770251330870

© Psychology Today