Why Relationships Matter

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Couples get stuck in reoccurring conflict because they self-defeat.

Anger can feel like strength in these moments, but typically leads to greater upset.

There is a way to exercise a kind of humility that leads to a healing, reparative conversation.

Couples get stuck in recurring conflict, frustration, avoidance, and resentment because they struggle to get out of their own way. When conflict erupts, both members may put up their protective guards. Unfortunately, a big part of their defense is a tendency to double down on their own perspectives and hold so firmly to that perspective that no other light can get in. Their internal thoughts reinforce a negative interaction, which increases negative thoughts. This can manifest in arguments chock-full of sharp criticisms and stonewalling.

Take Jack and Dianne:Dianne is infuriated that Jack is late again. She knows he is at work and is forgetting all about her. She knows she is last on his list. She knows he doesn’t even care about how she is feeling in this moment. The meaning of his lateness stings her and makes her angry instantly. Her whole body mobilizes; it is time for Jack to get the message that he is rude, disrespectful, and thoughtless. By the time Jack enters the restaurant, Dianne’s face is hot with anger. She tells him she’s had it with him. On guard, Jack lays into........

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