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Radical honesty may come from good intentions but can be a shortcut around the work of intimacy development.

There can be anxiety when we have difficult things to say to loved ones.

The art of intimacy is learning to manage negative feelings in way that keeps your relationship the priority.

In a recent "Love Is Blind" episode, a couple, Chris and Jess, seem to have it all. They share a sense of humor, worldview, and goals for the future; are authentic; and share a physical closeness with one another. Suddenly, in a dramatic shift, Chris tells Jess, in not-so-many words, that he is not sexually attracted to her because she is not physically fit enough for his liking, although he wants to “work on it.”

Although radical honesty can come from a place of good intentions, not wanting to hide or mislead another person, it can also be so destabilizing that there really is nothing left to work on.

We exist in a culture where being radically authentic is touted and can become a kind of virtue signaling. It means you are honest and have integrity—better to hurt people’s feelings than to lead them on.

On the other hand, authenticity, to such an extent, takes the hard work out of the art of relationship development. Instead of sitting with one’s feelings, understanding another person and how they might interpret your feelings, or starting a dialogue vs. a declarative statement, you skip all that and just drop the bomb.

When we have difficult things to say to loved ones, it can create a kind of internal anxiety. Most people don’t want to hurt others, but holding onto upset hurts us. This tension is uncomfortable and can make one either suppress their emotions entirely or, in other cases, just unleash the beast and let the cards fall where they may. Sadly, the cards typically fall in a way that the other person is left feeling emotionally exposed and unsafe.

Here are 5 ways to be yourself with warmth:

Develop an emotional container for your thoughts and feelings: When upset regarding your loved one runs through your mind, take a pause. Try journaling or sit with your feelings a bit. Instead of sticking with a narrative blaming your partner, try to label what you’re feeling and what the issue brings up for you from your past. If you can sit with your feelings and understand them first, when you do communicate, they may not feel as intrusive and exposing to your partner.

Tolerate the anxiety: It is normal to have ambivalence or even uncomfortable thoughts about close others in your life. Sure, in the moment, it may feel relieving to just get it out, but in the long term, this bluntness may make others feel emotionally unsafe with you. Some of what you feel will naturally get worked out through conversations over time. See if, when something comes up, you can take a breath and remind yourself that there is time to work on things and that everything doesn’t have to be perfect at all moments.

Attune to your partner: It is a given that you need to be honest with others in your life. The hard part of relationships is that to be intimate and close, you have to (1) know what you are feeling and (2) share it in a way that prioritizes the relationship. To do this, make sure you have regulated your anxiety (#2) so as not to overwhelm the other person, and lead with empathy. Imagine how the other will feel, what it might bring up for them, and find a way to communicate with this in mind.

Share what helps in understanding each other: Every thought or feeling you have doesn’t deserve a release. And what feels like an emotional release to you may feel aggressive to others. Be thoughtful about what you bring up, particularly when it could hurt the other person. Ask yourself, “How can I bring this up in a way that not only helps my partner understand me but also helps deepen my understanding of them?”

Learn to be vulnerable: Research shows that how a difficult conversation starts is predictive of how it will end. A “soft startup[1]” means beginning with your feelings and owning them as opposed to drawing conclusions about your partner. So instead of: “You are not physically fit enough for me to be sexually attracted to you.” Consider: “I care about us feeling strong and healthy for the long term, and I am holding in some anxiety about these feelings. Would you be open to talking about this some?”

Why Relationships Matter

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[1] Gottman, J. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.

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