Is no a bad word? For many of us, it can feel that way. Humans are social beings. As such, we seek out a feeling of belonging. The idea of disappointing someone leads us to fear being abandoned so we agree to things we may not actually want to. It’s a learned social response to maintain relationships.

However, this can sometimes lead to a behavior called sociotropy. Sociotropy is a personality trait in some people pleasers. Individuals who are driven to maintain the approval of others. They believe pleasing others is the antidote to being rejected (Martinez et al, 2020). Setting a boundary which requires saying “no” leads to feelings of guilt, sadness and/or anxiety. As a result, setting limits becomes a struggle. That doesn’t mean the boundary is wrong or selfish. It is a reflection of a nervous system that is being activated out of fear (Newman, 2021) brought on by the instinctive possibility of rejection. When our nervous systems are activated, it does not mean something will happen, it just means we fear it will. Taking intentional steps to sit with the discomfort we’re feeling will help reinforce the understanding that nothing changes in relationships when boundaries are set.

Here are five ways to set effective boundaries:

When setting a boundary with a family member or friend make sure you state the boundary clearly. For example, say:

“I’m not able to do that,”

“I may not be able to do that,” or “I don’t think so.”

The first sentence is clear and decisive. The second two communicate........

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