What Is Perfectionism?

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There is excessive messaging from social media about having your wedding be a “perfect day.” Unfortunately, this “perfection” is often linked to logistics and superficial aspects of weddings, creating huge emotional stakes with very little gain. If one thing is off, then the day feels ruined. Perfectionism creates emotional pressure on days that should be about connecting, fun, and celebrating love. It really is best to avoid the perfectionism trap.

How can you tell if you are succumbing to harmful perfectionism?

First, identify the things you are most concerned about. If you are consumed with details, that is a red flag. Providing pages of specific instructions to vendors, family, and friends likely means perfectionism has hijacked the day.

Second, spend time identifying your emotional state. Are you frequently irritated? This may indicate rigidity and an overfocus on things not going completely as expected. I recommend doing a quick fact check of irritation. Can you identify the things that are going well, even something small, such as, “Everyone has their dress.” Ultimately, you want to be able to identify both what is going well and the things that are not going as expected. This is emotionally protective and a sign that perfectionism is not controlling the narrative.

Finally, listen to feedback from others around you. There is a chance their feedback is reflective of differing priorities, but if they are giving feedback about unrealistic expectations, don’t be so quick to dismiss it. Consider what they are saying; they could be picking up on perfectionism.

Let me share a real example: I have a distinct memory of perfectionism from my time as a wedding coordinator. A bride handed me a schedule that was broken down into 5-minute increments. My immediate first thought was, “This is not realistic.” The order of events listed, sure, that was reasonable, but most weddings have too many moving parts and people for a schedule that precise to really be effective without a significant degree of control.

Perfect timing has a cost. In fact, an overfocus on perfection at any event typically results in ineffective attempts to control people around you. Loved ones can become irritated and you fail to be fully emotionally present on one of the most important days of your life. To put it bluntly, focusing on perfection will likely mean sacrificing joy.

Have you ever heard the phrase perfection is the enemy of good? It's very true, and as a psychologist I can add to it (with some alliteration): The pursuit of perfection prevents perception of good. Wanting everything to be perfect creates a set of blinders. You may miss the smiles on your guests' faces or the adoration in your new spouse’s eyes when they look at you, all because you started a few minutes late or some of the roses in a floral arrangement are the wrong shade of red. Are there major things that can go wrong at weddings? Absolutely, but that is not what I am focused on here.

So, how can you stop perfection from stealing your joy?

As a wedding coordinator, I recommend being flexible; don’t set Instagram expectations. Trade control for trust. On the day of your wedding, delegate to your wedding party or to your wedding coordinator, if you have one. Set your own intentions for the day that have true meaning. I suggest identifying moments of connection you want to remember (e.g., first look, dancing at your reception). Most importantly, don’t lose focus on the goal of weddings: getting married! If you say the “I dos," you have accomplished the main objective. Perfectionism will steal the satisfaction of this achievement.

As a psychologist, I recommend setting an intention to be mindful. Being present mentally and emotionally can help insulate you from perfectionism dread. How can you practice mindfulness? Take a moment to smell the flowers in your bouquet. Interact with loved ones; they are all there for you. Take a moment just to look at everything around you. We often miss beautiful details due to rushing or succumbing to urgency. Take the time to slow down and just observe: It's a simple but powerful strategy.

What Is Perfectionism?

Take our Perfectionism Test

Find a therapist near me

Keep a healthy perspective. Conservatively, our average lifespan is 75 years, which is 27,375 days. Your wedding is (usually) just one day. It is an important day and often one we look back on, but the marriage that follows the wedding has a much greater potential to bring happiness to your life long-term. If you want to increase the odds of happiness during your wedding, prioritize the things that will benefit the marriage to come. Don’t let unrealistic expectations of a perfect day rob you of a peaceful beginning to your marriage.

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