When a couple arrives at therapy because one partner wants to save the relationship and the other is considering separation, many don't know (including therapists) that traditional couple counseling is not what's needed. These “mixed-agenda couples” usually need something different: a space to slow down, reflect, and decide—with clarity—whether the relationship can be saved. Couple therapy is best when both partners have two feet fully and firmly planted in the relationship. So what do you do when the couple is "mixed agenda"—when one partner is considering separation and the other is fighting to save the relationship at all costs?

Relationship therapist Dr. William Doherty, a professor at the University of Minnesota, has studied “mixed-agenda couples.” In these cases, traditional couple therapy is often not just ineffective—it can become iatrogenic. One person is emotionally “out the door,” while the other is clinging to hope. What these couples often need isn’t therapy aimed at fixing the relationship. They first need help in making a clear, informed decision about whether to stay or go before couple therapy can work effectively.

If the therapist launches into full-on couple therapy too quickly, it can force the leaning-out partner to work on the relationship before they're ready, which leaves them at high risk of dropping out because it wouldn't be meeting them exactly where they are in a tailored and attuned fashion. This contributes to the reason couples therapy tends to have high dropout rates in the US (Anderson, Tambling, Yorgason, & Rackham, 2019). I believe that many of the couples that drop out a couple therapy are mixed-agenda. This is why one of my specialties has become discernment counseling.

This is where........

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