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Boys experience emotions deeply, often with limited skills to manage them.

Our culture often impairs the growth of critical “softer” emotions.

Parents who understand struggles facing boys today can prepare them to cope well emotionally.

From their rich experiences of counseling boys, Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson, in their classic book, Raising Cain, share guidance that can help parents, particularly trauma survivors who did not see good parenting modeled in their homes.

They declare that boys are deeply hurt by our culture’s destructive emotional training, and all of them need help. They note that boys feel as much emotion as girls, but tend to show less emotion, and do less well at managing emotions related to their struggles. They describe the following struggles to be aware of.

School and Gender Differences

Boys are more likely than girls to struggle in the classroom: Boys develop comparatively more slowly in language and cognitive skills. Their tendency to be more active, physical, and impulsive—which may stem from difficulty verbalizing feelings and a cultural prohibition of talking about feelings—can attract unpleasant discipline. Physical activity at recess might let off steam but not get to the root of emotional troubles. The early years, then, can lead to dislike of school and long-lasting feelings of inferiority.

Parents can reassure boys that performance doesn’t equal worth as a person, and that they’ll likely catch up with girls over time, at their own pace. Parents can have comfortable discussions about what boys feel and that their emotions are part of being human.

Boys are more likely to be physically punished and verbally intimidated, even by non-abusive parents, especially when parents are stressed or tired. Parents’ excessive anger can imprint strongly in the developing brain of boys, leading to shame, the inability to express emotions appropriately, and the likelihood of repeating parents’ anger with their own children.

As they develop, boys need to........

© Psychology Today