You end your session feeling great. You were listened to, supported, and validated in all your choices. Yet week after week, nothing changes. You’re still in the same unhealthy relationship, stuck at your job, and disconnected from the people who matter most.

As a clinical supervisor, I often explore what makes therapy successful with my students and how we may be inadvertently keeping our clients stuck. As natural helpers and future psychologists, they want nothing more than to make their clients feel better. But sometimes feeling better in the moment gets in the way of progress, and real change requires being in touch with painful feelings.

Validation seems like an obvious, ubiquitous feature of therapy, but it is not so straightforward. It is highly effective when done well, and detrimental when it is not.

First, there is a distinction between validating emotions and validating thought patterns or behaviors. Emotions can and should be validated; unhelpful behaviors should not.

Some people believe not all emotions are valid. They’re too loud, out of proportion, destructive, inaccurate, or mismatched to the situation.

Even if all this is true, emotions themselves still serve a valid, evolutionary purpose that can guide us towards emotionally healthy lives. Emotions help us navigate a complex world: highlighting what matters, warning of potential threats to our well-being, and signaling when we’re on a fulfilling path. And so, when we dismiss them, we do real harm (see this

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