No one likes to be taken for granted. Indeed, feeling unappreciated by their boss is a reason many people cite for quitting their jobs. But things have to get really bad before that happens. More frequently, routine lack of appreciation gnaws away at employee motivation, subtly undermining wellbeing, teamwork and productivity.

Appreciation scarcity has both a supply side and a demand side. Bosses are often bad at giving feedback, especially positive feedback. And employees are not much better at soliciting or interpreting it. In both cases, this often stems from a preoccupation with the feedback’s valency as opposed to its content. Instead of focusing on performance and how it might be improved, the giver and receiver are transfixed by whether the feedback is celebratory or critical. Rather than asking together, “How might we do better?”, each is asking instead some variant of the two questions the writer Elizabeth Gilbert blamed for most “war, grief, and suffering” in the world, namely, “How much do you love me?” and “Who’s in charge?”

Seeking appreciation at work is thus something of a fool’s errand. For one, you're courting........

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